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Ielts task 2 : technology provides opportunities as much as damages

smvicp 3 / 4 3  
Aug 8, 2017   #1
Cambridge 8 test2
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development?

Please check out my essay and give me some advice. I am really thankful for all of you who help me improve my IELTS writing skills.

Thank you so much.

I am wondering
1. whether using tense is correct?
because I use past tense for 2000 charts.
3. if the essay structure should be revised?

I use negative and positive impact paraphrase would you please help me? if I use a word repetitively please tell me the paraphrase
thank you. in some sentences, i didn't know which sentence is better than another one so I wrote another sentence in the parentheses please tell me which one is better.

technology and human relationship

Technology has profoundly impacted on our life. For years, the relationship between people has been the target of technology and it has changed the ways of communication among them. The debate about technology is both timely and crucial.

The structure of relationship has changed profoundly because of sophisticated technology. (Technology changing has had significant impact on relationship/ Technology has changed a lot of our lives and has revolutionized communications). In the past people communicated with each other face to face or with predominant facilities. Although these days people can see each other lower than the past, they communicate by myriad tools. The territory of relationship, day in day out, increase dramatically in that the communication has become massive. For instance, we can communicate with some strangers especially, with successful people and take benefit from their experience. The impacts of technology are countless.

The debate about positive or negative impacts of tech on the humans' relationships will be never finished. The most significant of its impact is that people can communicate with each other very easily than the past (than they used to be); so, the friendship between people become more and more. The information spreads as better than the past. That this part, in turn, has positive and negative impacts. For example, seldom does a day go by without hearing and watching the private information of people which is spread in virtual pages on the web that in some cases makes people untrustworthy to the web; thus some social injuries may take place because of technology the cyber crimes are the negative consequences of technological communication.

On the other hand, technology provides opportunities for families to keep in touch with their members who geographically separated. But, the rate of depression has grown because of the less verbal meeting then someone may become depressed for this reason.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that technology provides opportunities as much as damages. It improves our relationship ways while ruining something in our communication.
Katthew Kim 6 / 12 6  
Aug 8, 2017   #2
Hello, I want to share some thoughts about your essay.

At the first paragraph, I think you don't need to say that The debate~ since the question requires you to answer if it affects positively or negatively.

I am not sure to pick up some grammarian errors in your essay, but I cannot understand the meaning of predominant facilities.

At the third paragraph, you don't need to say the debate will be continued. Rather than this, I think what kinds of aspect will affect positively and negatively.
nguyenquan 2 / 3 1  
Aug 8, 2017   #3
Dear smvicp, here are my private opinions on your essay
- your essay contains 5 paragraphs, the first and the last is introduction and conclusion, these are quite good. However, I think the body of your essay will be better if it is divided into to only two parts, one for advantages of technology and one for disavantages. Moreover, some ideas are hard to follow because it is wriiten in very complexed sentences, such as " for instance, seldom..."

- I think there are some mistakes:
people can see each other lower the the past --> people spend less time to see each other than in the past, instead they communicate by myriad tools

The debate.... will be never finish --> will never finish
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,028 4247  
Aug 8, 2017   #4
Susan, you have not approached this task 2 essay in the proper manner. From the very start, you have shown that you have no idea how to structure a task 2 essay. The opening statement is wrong, the discussion does not follow the required structure, and your content is too broad in scope to apply to the required sentences per paragraph.

One of the biggest scoring considerations in the Task 2 test is the Task Accuracy portion. This is seen in the opening statement or paraphrasing that you create for the original prompt. You deviated so much from the original topic and discussion instructions that I feel I should not score this essay in order to prevent disappointment on your part. Let me show you an example of a proper paraphrasing for this prompt:

It is a known fact that changes in the way people interact these days came from the development of technology. This essay will seek to discuss how technology has affected the method by which people create relationships. Additionally, a discussion regarding whether this trend has a positive or negative effect on the relationship of people will also be presented.

A proper paraphrasing of the prompt will allow you to create a solid discussion outline for your essay. You have a tendency to over-complicate your presentations. Just keep it simple. You are not writing a class research paper. You are just writing a simple academic essay. Avoid using parenthesis and slash marks in your paragraphs. Those still count towards the sentence requirement per paragraph. Keep each paragraph at only 5 sentences. Do not go over that count. The 5 sentence requirement is a hard rule that should never be altered. Learn to simplify your presentations instead. That means, create summarized but coherent and cohesive sentences to represent your ideas per paragraph. Don't make it too long, but don't make it too short either. 3 sentences is short enough.

Even without my telling you, by merely looking at the correct paraphrase, I know that you can tell that your discussion is not in accordance with the prompt expectations. That means, this essay will not get a very good grade in an actual setting. You deviated from the prompt requirement. You did not properly represent and discuss what was was instructed of you. That will cost you a passing score.

You must never discuss the personal opinion in the closing statement either. The personal opinion should always be a separate body paragraph discussion. It should never be mistaken for a conclusion because a concluding statement is a summary of the preceding body of paragraphs. Additional information should never be located in it as that does not close an essay, it merely continues the discussion. What the examiner needs you to do is close the essay, not leave it hanging and open at the end.

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