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Writing Ielts task 2 - TECHNOLOGY and YOUNG PEOPLE

Wendynguyen803 3 / 5 2  
Jun 3, 2019   #1

NOWADAYS kids spend their free time in a different way

Feel free to read and help me check when necessary ^^
TOPIC: New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

It has been widely noted that youngsters are alternatively consumed their leisure time within the advent of contemporary technological devices. While I accept that this propensity has exerted both benefits and drawbacks, I would argue that there are more advantages than disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are two major demerits when children devote much of their spared time for recreational electronic devices. First of all, scientific evidences have proven that electronic devices such as smartphones and computers are of great detriment for their physical health. Scientifically, children expose to electromagnetic waves and blue light from modern technological gadgets may suffer from certain illnesses, some of which are headache or eye-strain. Besides, another drawbacks of technological innovations is that they might act as a deterrent against family bond. With the presence of the up-to-date technological tools, the youth spend a great amount of time on exploring such interesting things from the tools to serve their diversified purposes, but the time for communicating and family activities among the members is diminished. Thus, those disadvantages of cutting-edge devices are underestimated.

On the other hand, I support the view of those who believe that the benefits of electronic devices outweigh the drawbacks. Initially, society is connected all around the world thanks to the widespread popularity of the Internet. For instance, teenagers are likely to use their smartphones or laptops so that they can make video calls or find new friends. Also, latest technologies unfold the possibility of recreation and education without leaving the comfort of their homes. Playing games, watching videos or listening to music serve as a remedy for minimizing strain after a lesson. Therefore, contemporary gadgets which have adjusted the way children fill their leisure time become a motivation for learning.

In conclusion, despite the fact that modern technological devices may cause deriments to the young, I am convinced that the merits are of more of significant. Hence, children should enhance understanding about utilizing the latest technology wisely and sufficiently.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Jun 4, 2019   #2
Hello there!

First and foremost, I think that your essay is well-written from the get-go. What I would recommend is only integrating techniques that would help you create simpler and yet more effective structures. Using these methods would help you trim down the small mistakes that you make (technicalities-wise), so you can focus on having more depth in your content and substance.

With that being said, I am not necessarily saying omitting all of the descriptive lines that you have. Rather, being more strategic about their placement - and only using them when necessary and not as filler words.

Let me show you what I mean by providing an example through a revision.

..., I support the view of those who believe that the benefits ... Initially, s Society is connected all around the world thanks to the widespread popularity (...) use their smartphones or and laptops so that they can to make video (...) without leaving the comfort of their homes. ... as a remedy for minimizing strain relaxing after a lesson. ... leisure time has become a ...

Best of luck in your writing as always.

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