Please kindly give band score mark for my essay and suggestions in order to boost my score since i aim for band 7.
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience
how the advancement of technology affected communication between people?
It is true that the advancement of technology in recent years has altered communication method among people across the world. Moreover, technology has influenced relationships in various ways. In my opinion, this phenomenon is truly a negative development.
The improvement of technology these days has changed the way people interact with each other in either education and social life. Firstly, online learning website creates new possibilities for relationships between students and teachers. For instance, a student can now take video lessons with teachers in different city or county. Another fascinating feature of the technology is that the presence of a teleconference course which provide opportunity for students to attend the lecture given by a professor from another country. Secondly, the majority of people currently are using social networks like facebook to make new friend, find people who share common interests.
However, the aforementioned advantages above can result in isolating people and discouraging real interaction among them. Virtual relationship is the obvious example for this phenomenon. This trend can be seen in our daily life when mostly the youths prefer to broaden their friendship in virtual way rather than in the real world. Consequently, the virtual relationship is becoming a subtitue for real friendship. On the other hand, there is still a shortcoming when the the student conduct a virtual learning is that they need to put a lot of attempts to master the given materials. It is because the online learning typically require a greater amount of reading and assignments than traditional classes.
To conclude, today's sophisticated technology has allowed students to acquire more knowledge from unlimited learning sources as well as build their friendship network with every people in worldwide. However, virtual relationship and the online learning can lead to downsides that detriment for both education and social sector.Thus I stand by my opinion that it is literally a negative development to the human's life.
Hi Siti! Your essay have a clear structure. But I have a few suggestions:
1. In the opening paragrph, you should have respond directly to the question "In what ways has technology affected relationship?" But you only said "technology has influenced relationships in various ways", instead of telling readers what the ways are.
2. In your second paragraph, you put forward the two things changed by technology: education and social life, which I think is a brilliant way of narrowing the topic down. But you spent much more words explaining "education" than analysing "social life". This makes your paragraph seem less even. You may improve your essay by explaining the "social life" part more carefully.
I am unsure which score to give, as I am not an IELTS Writing teacher. Sorry for that. But I hope my advice could help you and good luck with your writing!