Unanswered [15] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Writing task 2 ielts. Teenage crime issue. 'Why an how' essay.


sillyman2000 19 / 42 9  
Nov 16, 2018   #1
The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries.
Discuss some possible reasons and suggest solutions.

the escalation of youngsters crimes



Writing

Nowadays, in many countries, the percentage of criminals who are under 18 has witnessed a dramatic growth. The lack of parental supervision and negative influences from other peers are identified as the root of the trending. Therefore, both parents and educators take responsibility to mitigate the dilemma.

To begin with, inadequate control from family members can enable adolecents to inappropriate activities outside. It is explained that these days, parents tend to concentrate on making ends meet and working extra-hours. As a result, they are too hectic with their job and they barely have some leisure times with their children. Without guidance from adults, juveniles feel lonely and unloved, thus those pity teenagers will choose to socialise with other people outside as a way of escaping tedious scenarios. Consequently, adolecents will contact bad-influential peers, and they will be tempted to engage illegal activities, namely smoking, vandalisim and fighting.

Parents and school authorities play a pivotal role to address the act of teenage crime. Firstly, parents are highly recommended to reduce working hours, in order to have more times with their sons or daughters. They should let their adolecents share his or her internal issues, and then co-oparating with them to overcome the adversity. In addition, parents can creat a warm phenomenon among family members, as well as teenagers by going for a picnic or going to a restaurant in the weekend. Secondly, teachers can propagate to students about what and what not to do, alongside organising more extra - curriculums in academic life.

In conclusion, it can be seen that the escalation of youngsters who commit crime is resulted from the off-guardness of parents. However, there are some measures to tackle this issue, by cutting the amount of time working from parents and the propagandas from teachers.

Can anyone give me some feedbacks and band score for this essay? Thanks.
Tunanut 6 / 12 5  
Nov 16, 2018   #2
Hi, I have some comments

1. Nowadays, in many countries, the percentage of criminals who are under 18 has witnessed a dramatic growth. The lack of parental supervision and negative influences from other peers are identified as the root of the trending. Therefore, both parents and educators take responsibility to mitigate the dilemma.

This is the best opening I've seen today. It is on point and task response is great. You can make it better:
+ "are identified as the root of the trending": this is "too" perfect. I mean you are suppose to give possible reasons. So don't make it sound perfect, it is redundant and can pull your mark down

+ "trending" is not a noun
+ "Therefore, both parents and educators (should) take responsibility to mitigate the dilemma": You are suggesting solutions, so let's add "should". Also, dilemma is a tricky word, make sure you consult a good dictionary to understand what is means. For short, it means a bad situation where every choices are equally bad. See? You didn't use it right.

2. "adolecents": you write it wrong, Microsoft Word could help you but try not to make such mistake. (I know it's a hard word)
3. "inappropriate activities": This phrase is not remotely close to crime. Spanking yourself on the street could be inappropriate but is it a crime?
4. "It is explained that ": Consider remove this thing, it add no meaning nor any information. It makes the reader confused.
5. "concentrate": word choice. I would use focus. Focus and concentrate is not the same. The scope of focus is bigger. Concentrate is for small, specific task. Not very often they can be used interchangeably.

6. "hectic": fancy word but don't use it wrong. Check examples in this: dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/hectic
You can write a hectic day/week/month/schedule..... you can't write He/she is hectic. hectic is not for human

That's just some of my thoughts. I may come back latter.
Also, in my opinion, you can get band 6 for this. I'm not very sure about this.
nuradiapuspa 11 / 25  
Nov 22, 2018   #3
Dear @sillyman2000

I am quite impressed with the wide range of vocabulary that you used in this essay, however there are some confusion with your sentence. For example:

If I were you, I prefer to write "... parents can create a joyful activities with their children in the weekend, for example by going for a picnic or going to restaurant together."

teachers can propagate to ... not to do
the propagandas from teachers.

What do propagate and propaganda mean? I think you can choose a better word for this context, such as guidance/advice/etc

Good luck!
OP sillyman2000 19 / 42 9  
Nov 23, 2018   #4
To answer your question, you can consult here /definition/propaganda
Propagate is the verb form of propaganda.
And by the way, thanks for your feedback. I truly appreciate it.
HanNguyen0510 18 / 40 17  
Nov 24, 2018   #5
Hi sillyman2000
Here are my opinions about your essay

1/ There are a lot of spelling mistake in your essay. For example adolescents; vandalism; operating. and so on.

2/ You have repeated words often. I think it is necessary to avoid repeating words in an essay so make it sound smoothy.

3/ Your ideas are not clear to me when I read it. For example, the 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph, there is not supportive idea for that sentence and from the 2nd one, you started a new idea which is not related to the 1st one and till the end of that paragraph. Besides, so many ideas in one paragraph confuse readers as we need to figure out the connection between sentences.

3/ I highly recommend stating the issues and the solutions in one paragraph to make it easier to follow the flow of the essay. For example, if you have two points and two solutions, it should be written in 2 paragraph and so on.


Home / Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 ielts. Teenage crime issue. 'Why an how' essay.