Essay about teenage problems

Thank you in advance for giving some feedbacks on my essay!

Write an essay about the main problems teenagers have in your country

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Describe them, and explain their causes and suggest possible solutions.

In my nation, teenagers have been living in an financially adequate and developed society than ever before, which was long ago desired by preceding kids. However, in contrary to what has been expected, the juvenile today has to be faced with a great deal of disturbance, as now will be indicated,

First of all, most of them are prone to an increasingly abating behaviour which is to blame for parental carelessness and tantalizing corruption, the materialistic lifestyle has driven most parents to the verge being snowed under an excessive workloads to the point that their time supposed to be spent which their kids is on the declination. As a consequence, they have gradually been kept in the dark about their kids' statuses. The lack of relevant provision and parental care leads to dire repercussions taking place to youngsters. What they are searching for is not materialistic assistance but in a more caring and thorough way. Lured by the factors that result in social vices, children would be prone to commit crime and some adverse criminal behavior. Furthermore, there is a burgeoning number of cases of teenagers diagnosed with chronic diseases such as obesity or diabetes as a possible result of unwholesome lifestyles. Not only is the young's health physically diminishing, but also mentally. When it comes to discuss about psychological issues, there are several reasons contributing to them. As a matter of fact, children are now under a great deal of pressure in terms of their scholastic accomplishments. Expected to be prominent and outstanding at school by parents, some youngsters themselves are not meant to do so. Especially in some Asian countries in which one's educational journey is considered more critically vital than anything else, the cases of committing suicide is on the rise, which is absolutely lamentable. So regularly does a child suffer from psychological wound such as depression or anxiety, some even end up killing themselves as the last resort to what they have experienced. Another ubiquitous and controversial concern that worth mentioning is the libertine and uncontrolled sex life that excuses for the startling abortion rates among youngsters. This trend may be attributed to the superannuated and obsolete thoughts that reject to universalize sex education since it is conservatively reckoned that children will be easily spoiled if allowed with an insight into so-called exclusively adult matters. Thus, the society and families are responsible for taking actions that help put their offspring at ease. Some solutions recommended here are an increase in the quality time for teenagers who have been undergoing a phase that is saturated with psycho-biological modifications occuring to confide in their own affairs and get some help if necessary.

In conclusion, one may have to encounter several matters before fully converting into an adult. At their most adverse time of being juvenile, there are parents who are meant to try their uttermost in accompanying and lending their kids a sympathetic hand.

Hi! I have some suggestions for you:

- First of all, looking at the writing, the 2nd paragraph is way too long. Instead, you should break it into smaller paragraphs with unified topic/argument.

- You have many extremely long sentences. For instance, "First of all, most of them are prone ..."

--> Please write more concise sentences.

The first problem that heavily weighs down your essay is the lack of proper formatting. Your second paragraph is comprised of several discussion topics and reasons. All topics and reasoning discussions must be separated into topic paragraph presentations. Each new paragraph starting with a new topic sentence. By separating the paragraphs, the reader will not only find it easier to follow your discussion flow, but also give them a chance to fully understand what you are trying to say. Pauses between discussion points are imperative to the clarity of a presentation, hence the need for paragraph formatting.

The second problem is that your sentence development is not as clear as it should be. I am not sure if this is because you are misusing the vocabulary in the essay or, if you are just unfamiliar with sentence structures. It would be better if you practice creating English sentences via sentence fill in the blank exercises. That way you will be able to not only learn proper sentence structures and presentations, but you will also be able to develop your English vocabulary as you encounter new words during the exercises.