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kalyn 2 / 6  
Mar 1, 2017   #1
Some people think that teenage years are the happiest times of most people lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of responsibilities.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion ?

the adulthood ceases to amaze me

That question whether youth or adulthood is more joyous, unforgettable remains an unsolvable, tricky and controversial one. Opinions toward this questions are different, some people claim that youngster enjoy their life to the maximum while others assure that being an adult gives you so much more happiness. This essay is going to discuss both point of views and present my own perspective.

There is belief that youth is the time at which you are a blooming flower. People usually hit their beauty peak at the age of 20s, at this moment, they are full of energy, enthusiasm, potential and will to do anything.To begin with, teenagers don't have to be under the pressure of financial problem. Since teenagers aren't allowed to labour officially, they are still given money to fulfill their personal interest or demand by the government as well as their family. Otherwise, teenagers are also supported emotionally, led to do legal things, taught to be a better person, some even got help to do build up their future plans by the experienced generation. As a result, adolescents are able to participate in variety of social activities passionately, carefreely. Moreover, the scents of first love, first heartbreak, first rebellious behaviour, such first impression could only be tasted at a very innocent age.

On the other hand, adults have to face many kinds of responbility, struggle in all kinds of bills every months, figure out how to make the best decision to their personal issue without affecting others. These hardship comes along with the maturity. However, they are still manage to find cherish in things that other ages lack of, independence. They are permitted to earn their own money and spend it as they wish to do, to do as their heart lead them, not to listen to others' guidance since they are old enough to take the consequences for their choices. The freedom of a citizen, of a fully-educated, the weath of an experienced man is a prize for any grown-up. Relationships to adults are long-term, trustworthy and tested one. Their partner at this time wouldn't be the person who betrayed them as they were younger, totally clueless in life, at this point, they have all set up strong friendships, they have the abilities pick up who to get close to among their acquaitances so that their life can be less dramatic, insecurity.

Admittedly, though both times can bring you joyeux, adulthood cease to amaze me by its promising benefits, the chance to be more confident with sharpen experiences.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,249 4651  
Mar 1, 2017   #2
Pham, you indicated in the outline that you were going to discuss both points of view and also offer your personal opinion related to the discussion. I see two points of view being discussed in the essay but no personal point of view coming from you. I think you forgot about that. The lack of a personal opinion on your part is what severely lowered the score for this essay. The most common misconception with this type of essay is that your personal opinion should cover points A and B in the discussion. That is never the case.

The format for this essay is always as follows:

Par. 1: Paraphrased statement plus outline of discussion (includes a reference to your opinion)
Par. 2: Point A discussion
Par. 3: Point B discussion
Par. 4: Personal opinion discussion
Par. 5: Concluding statement.

The essay prompt itself already clues you in on the chronological order of the discussion and expected discussion points. Always take your format outline from there in order to present an effective essay. For now, the score of your essay would be a 4. This is based on the wrong discussion format and lack of personal opinion. The task accuracy score lost major points due to that error.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Mar 2, 2017   #3
Hi Pham, I have read your essay. Let me give you a few suggestion for finalizing this.
Firstly, there were many minor errors in grammar. Please, when you wanna merge two sentences, do not forget to a conjunction. Besides that, you do not use a contraction in the formal writing. Avoid doing it again.

don't have

aren't allowed

After that, I only remind you that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. I really you will construct the paragraph meeting the requirement.
Turning to the body paragraph, you fail to tackle the prompts given. They have asked to explore about those two different views. However, in the second paragraph, you tended to explain bad conditions in the adult life although you are supposed to review what people's reasons state that the adult life is the happiest period. I have not found there. Following that, you did not stand out your view about that matter. Readers should find your position clearly so that you will not miss the other prompt.

I recommend you to read examples of writing task 2, especially the conclude paragraph. As we know, the conclusion is created from paraphrasing the thesis statement in the introductory paragraph. In addition, you avoid using this word


to represent that that is your conclusion. It is better you harness the words (In conclusion, to conclude, To sum up).
Hopefully, those can help you to get a little improvement.
mastindersingh 2 / 7 2  
Mar 2, 2017   #4
there are few spelling mistakes and sentences with better words. I have listed few of them
responbility = responsibilities

struggle in all kinds = struggle with all kinds

who betrayed them= that betray them


passive voice is used instead of active voice.
Nilendra 3 / 8 3  
Mar 2, 2017   #5
i saw few spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes plus so many words 427, you need more than 250 words so if you at least stop at 300 words instead of over 400 words, you can save time and allocate that time to proof read your essay.

spelling -

weath - wealth (if you proof read your essay you would have easily corrected this)
Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 2, 2017   #6
Your essay is acadamic so you should use more acadamic words.in this situa tion you do not express youe oppinion yet. Instead you did try to illustate the idea that it is imppossible.

For example, first paregh teanager life happy beacause give the reason then analysis.beacause they can enjoy life without stress.they di not have go to work. Think about money

Pragh 2 adult are happy because they can do what ever they . Want They do not have to go to school. Do not have test. Instead they can do with thier money
adamrahimov 4 / 10 3  
Mar 5, 2017   #7
Overall, I quite like this essay although it is a little long and there are a few grammar and spelling mistakes. You use different structures of sentences, the idea is clear, arguments are convincing, Just I found the introduction a little overcomplicated, you don't need to describe something with three adjectives in academic writings. For me, controversial would be enough instead of unsolvable, tricky and controversial itself. Besides unsolvable and tricky is a little rhetoric for academic writing.

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