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Teenagers and alcohol essay - help revise or offer suggestions:

tonydengcnu 23 / 17  
Nov 19, 2008   #1
The relationship between teenagers and alcohol, unfortunately, has been ignored immensely in this society. It's not like drugs and smoking which can easily cause hatred among people. However, whenever I read the news about "juvenile delinquency caused by drinking", I realize that it's critical to pay attention to juvenile drinking.

In my opinion, not only drinking endangers our health, but can it bring up social problems as well. Drinking can impact our growing up physically. First of all, excessive drinking can harm our nerve system and long term drinking can make our vision, audition insensitive. Secondly, it may damage our memory and abstract teenagers' attention resulting in drowsiness and even in illusion. Particularly, acute ebrietas would heavily affect respiration center and even cause death. Furthermore, our personalities and emotions can be influenced by drinking more or less, which leads people to easily get mad and stubborn. Based on what has been discussed, it's crucial that juvenile drinking be prohibited.

Why does juvenile drinking happen? There are some reasons that can interpret this. Firstly, adolescent boys and girls like imitating parents and regard this very fashionable and cool Secondly, drinking undoubtedly turns into the best entertainment at birthday parties and graduation gatherings for those who are just at adolescent period in which they always tend to risk doing something "fresh". Thirdly, students of high school prefer resorting to drinking for frustration as they are subjected to great pressure such as entering elite schools and etc. Fourthly, alcohol is considered as the "best" way for releasing their emotions due to their uncertainty on mental and physical factors.

Generally speaking, some essential measures should be taken which involve preventive education, intensive publication and legal supervision. Moreover, schools and parents should employ their joint efforts on proper instruction in which juvenile drinking is illegal. We are supposed to immensely publicize the harm of drinking and enable everyone to be aware of this. We should implement Regulations on Alcoholics Circulation and abide by the rule in which alcohol vendors are prohibited to sell alcohol to teenagers and related warnings should be marked in the alcohol shops. I sincerely hope that juvenile drinking is not longer a social problem and can benefit the growth of teenagers.

EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 19, 2008   #2
Good evening :)

First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "It's" should be "It is."

Second, make sure your punctuation is included within your quotation marks.

Third, perhaps "illusion" isn't the right word; how about "hallucinations"?

Fourth, make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences only. For instance, "Regulations on Alcoholics Circulation" shouldn't be capitalized.

Do you mean "no longer a social problem"?

In regards to content, the points you make are very poignant. Your organization is great and you use great transitions between sentences and ideas. Your introduction is definitely a good "hook" and your conclusion ties everything up neatly. Your tone and voice are both much stronger and assured than in previous pieces. Very nice work.

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