Writing Task 2 - why are teenagers committing more crimes?

I appreciate every advice

In many parts of the world children and teenagers are committing more crimes.

Why is this happening and how should they be punished?

Juvenile delinquency is an urgent issue recently because the number of children getting involved in crime is on the rise. Various causes lead to this but I suggest that school environments take a major role in this issue. Additionally, in this essay, I personally will offer some proper punishments for teenager lawbreakers, which I hopefully might help improve the situation.

Lack of related crime knowledge and pressures from peer friends lead to easily violating the law. Generally, many schools do not provide their students with comprehensive information about criminal topics, such as the prevalent reasons to impulse children getting involved in crime as well as the ways to avoid it and also the harsh punishments for those who offend. Not having proper awareness, young people join in criminal activities without knowing that they will have to face many severe troubles down the roads. Besides that, the desire to be accepted in a group and receive protection from their group compels children to join gangs at an early age. This is because they fear being victims of school bullying. As a member of a gang, youngsters are more likely to violate the law, such as drug trafficking or alcohol and drug use.

Teaching young offenders with an iniquitous cognizance about making judicious decisions is the most proper punishment in my opinion. This is because if we castigate juvenile delinquents with harsh punishments, such as life imprisonment or death penalty, it might cause an injustice to this young criminals as well arouse offenders' families' indignation. Similarly, being sent to jail and receiving hard living conditions could make prisoners breed resentment and reoffend after being released. Consequently, rehabilitation programs should be carried out thoroughly to prepare young criminals for life after prison. All over the world, some countries allow remission as long as prisoners complete reading and grasping knowledge in a fixed number of books. This has shown a satisfactory result that many prisons re-integrate into society and turn their lives around.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that school and friends considerably influence youngsters' attitude towards crime. By educating and implementing rehabilitation programs, we could mitigate the juvenile crime rate.

The original prompt refers to children and teenagers. In your topic sentence, you only refer to children. There is a missing information point, the teenagers, both must be represented, using synonyms in your presentation. If you are making suggestions for reasons for the crime being committed, it would be better to not mention school environments yet. Mostly because you use the phrase "but I suggest", which means you are uncertain. Unless you can make a definite statement, it would be better not to mention the topic at all.

The first reasoning build up in your reasoning discussion was great. Then it lost cohesiveness when you presented the second reason in the same paragraph. You did not give as complete a reference discussion for that reason in the presentation, causing the paragraph to become under developed. Use one topic at a time to avoid this problem.

Your discussions needs to sound normal. It should not sound like you opened a dictionary and used "big words" in the hopes of impressing the examiner. The natural sound of the discussion, rather than trying to sound intellectual when your grammar for the most part of the presentation is problematic, will only serve to get you a lower LR score. So rather than saying


, you should instead, simply say, "Teaching young offenders to recognize when they are breaking the law" or "Teaching young offenders to identify when they are committing a crime..." would have been more effective, believable, and applicable to the presentation. Just because the word or phrase sounds impressive to you as an ESL, does not mean that you are using the word in the proper context. Which is the error you made in this presentation.

Thanks, Mr. Holt.
I'll notice them.