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IELTS essay, teenagers should encouraged to do unpaid community work


my88626 8 / 16 2  
Nov 29, 2012   #1
Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit the teenagers and the community as well. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion.

Participating in some community job is becoming popular among young generation. Teenagers can learn about others and meet a lot of interesting people by volunteering. I agree with this idea that we should encourage them to join in such community organization.

First of all, being a volunteer in community brings teenagers an opportunity to know about their living enviroment and get to know their neighbors. For example, they may required to organized some community activites to promote the communication between neighbors, teenagers learn about how to organize an activity or organization. Hence, someone may get involved in the programs related to homeless shelter, where helps homeless people with meals and beds. Teenagers can learn more about the problem of homelessness and way they can help them, as well as gain perspective on life by helping people in need.

From the side of community, it will benefit from those young volunteers as well. Teenagers always have fresh idea and courage, those activities organized by teenagers should be much more attractive and vivid. Some community may face the problem of labor shortage of their public service like hospitals or libraries, with the help of teenager volunteers, the problem will be solved.

In a summary, I have the opinion that teenagers should be given more chance to do unpaid community work based on my above argument. It is the best way that teenagers can enhance their sense of responsibilities, knowing how to help others as well as help themselves.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Nov 29, 2012   #2
should be given more chance to (In the body you talked about the positive effects of unpaid jobs on teenagers and community. You did not say anything about what I highlighted ?!!!) do unpaid community work based on my above argument.

This is OK. I read it again and I got your idea. It was just a misunderstanding. Sorry
OP my88626 8 / 16 2  
Nov 30, 2012   #3
Thank you for your kindly help zafari:)
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Dec 1, 2012   #4
You have some good points for your essay.
Here are a few suggestions that might make it better...

First of all, being a volunteer in community brings teenagers an opportunity to know about their living enviroment and get to know their neighbors.

This is a good point you are presenting. This might make it sound better.
Taking part in a community project helps teenagers understand the environment they live in. This is the best way for them to truly find out about their neighborhood.

they may required to organized some community activites to promote the communication between neighbors, teenagers learn about how to organize an activity or organization.

They will understand how to organize a project or activity successfully by taking part in community projects.

Teenagers can learn more about the problem of homelessness and way they can help them, as well as gain perspective on life by helping people in need.

Teenagers will learn about the homeless people and ways to help them. This will enrich their character as well.

You have very good points for your essay. Try to correct the small grammatical errors and you will have done a good job.
:)
OP my88626 8 / 16 2  
Dec 2, 2012   #5
Thank you!!
Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 4, 2012   #6
It's easy to follow the ideas that you've given. The topic sentence of each paragraph is quite clear.
Good job :)


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