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Many teenagers nowadays enjoy communicating through social networks rather than talking face-to-face


TheCard 1 / 1  
Dec 27, 2020   #1
Requirements:

Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person.


Why do you think this is the case?
What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person?


I am prepariing to take IELTS test in 3/2020 so I desperately need comments for my exercise. It helps me a lot if you leave your comment here. Thank you for reading!!!

The problem of many teenagers nowadays enjoy communicating through social networks rather than talkiing face-to-face is of intersest and worthwhile for debate. From my point of view, this obviously a serious problem,and I will give the reasons to strengthen my opinion in the next paragraphs.

Firstly, teenagers may suffer various attacks and scams while connect to others in the Internet. The main characteristics of social networks and its attaction is the ability of staying anonymous, which means people do not really know the real iddentity of the person in the friend list. Because the real indentity of people is covered, they tend to improvised this opportunity to criticise and depriciate the ones they do not like. They improvise any means they can from backbite to spreading rumors even if they are just self- made production. These dangerous actions can easily cause psychological cue to teenagers, whose mind is underdevelopping and not firm yet in order to defend from these attacks. Take Myzuki, a Japanese girl, who had posted a selfie picture in Facebook, comited suicide three days after in her room. Investigation reveals the motivation of her willingness to die come from a hatred comment below her photo. Moreover, Myzuki is not the only one who have suffered from being attacked in social networks, she is just suffered the worst consequence. These are obviously unwanted cases and the drawback of using social network, but this can denied the fact that tennagers are being harmed while they are using social network.

One of the most important skills of human which makes us live in such sociteties is the abbility of talking. Talking does not only consist of transmitting information from one to the others, but also expresses our emotions, our feeling. Obviouly, words alone can never truly express love, joyness, sadness, or anger, it requires the combination of musscles in face, the tone, the volume of our voice, the position of our arms, etc. The more teenagers rely on social networks as a means of communication, the less they like human. Losing the ability of expressing emtions and attidudes, teenagers will never be able to fully grown and become adults. That problem then leads to the broken bonds in family, at school, and at work. Finally, the destruction of human race begins.

Therefore, to tackle these problems, social networks developers, families and especially teenagers must join hand to find solutions. Teenagers should be aware of the potential harm lies in these colorful pages in order to stay alert towards those attacks and more willing to go outdoors. Parents can set some restrictions about the amount of time their children can spend online. This will act as a forcefully action and should come with other measures. Last but not least, it is essential that teacher and school organize clubs, such as debate club, badmiton club , and voluntarry club. These clubs will act as an environment for their increasing intergration.

In conclusion, adults must act to prevent teenagers from socialising online and to get them out to meet others in person.

tuyentruong 5 / 9 7  
Dec 27, 2020   #2
Hello,
Please keep in mind that the IELTS WRITING TASK 2 requires at least 250 words and that you have only 40 minutes to complete this task. In that length of time, you have to not only think up relevant ideas, but also how to arrange them logically, and then write a whole essay. Thus, in my opinion, it is best to write from 260-290 words. ( Your essay is 509 WORDS!!)

The topic requires you to discuss 2 things: why many teenagers these days prefer socializing online to meeting one another in personand the solutions encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person.

In your essay, you have forgotten to discuss the first points. This will greatly lower your score. And it is unnecessary to discuss the harmful effect of socializing online because the topic simply doesn't require you to do so. Instead of writing 2 lengthy paragraphs explain why socializing online is harmful, you should spend more time focusing on the 2 points the topic requires you to discuss.
OP TheCard 1 / 1  
Dec 27, 2020   #3
Dear @tuyentruong,
Firstly, I want to express my gratitude for giving a comment. I am still new to IELTS Writing, and your comment really show me the point of this excercise (which suprised me because I thought I grasped the requirements of this excercise).

Really thank you for your quick feedback.

I want to ask one more thing, if possible, I mean if I got all the 2 main points you have mentioned and I add why socializing online is harmful then wilI I get addition points?

Thank you.
tuyentruong 5 / 9 7  
Dec 27, 2020   #4
Dear @ TheCard,
When Holt gave feedback on one of my essays, Holt said that additional information that the topic doesn't require you to discuss will not be included in the word count. For example, if I write a 300-word essay but I have used 100 words to discuss something that the topic doesn't mention, then my essay is under the word count because it will only have 200 words. This will lower my score because there is a penalty for being under the word count.

But you can ask Holt for sure the next time he gives feedback on your work. I am just a student ( not an IELTS examiner) so I don't know much about the grading system. In my opinion, though, it is best to focus only on the points given by the topic. Anyway, your question is great. It gives me a pause for thought.

I hope your next essay will be successful!


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