Helloo smally01.., thank you for posting your essay here. Well, let me start with the opening paragraph. As we know, IELTS suggests candidates to learn paraphrase the question if they want to start writing their introduction. From your model essay, I think you have failed to do so although you have tried ones. Let me give you an example of how you need to paraphrase the question:
The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. After you paraphrase the background information, then it is your task to state your claim known as thesis statement.
This essay will discuss both side of the views and my opinion.
is commonly found in students essay. Since then, I am afraid that this phrase can be categorized as one of the memorized phrases. I suggest you to rewrite this. Again, let me give you an example for how to write a thesis statement:
Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters If you merge the background and the thesis, then they would be like this:
The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters. When it comes to body paragraphs, then you'd better start developing your paragraph with a clear topic sentence. Then it is followed by claim, evidence and reason. Instead of pointing more reasons as you wrote above, you'd better choose one idea only and narrow it down. This is what you need to do for the next writing you have. Hope this helps :D
Regards,
- Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri, Indonesia.