Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS 2 - should teenagers do part-time jobs? Both side of the views and my opinion


smally01 9 / 34 14  
Aug 12, 2018   #1
In some countries, teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs by some people. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

full commitment toward study



In some states, there is argue that teenagers should get the part-time jobs. This essay will discuss both side of the views and my opinion.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why doing the part-time job is good for teenagers. Firstly this help them to develop social and communication skills which are the essential skills for their life as a whole. As we all know that most of the job nowadays require facing people, so without acquiring and mastering the above skills they are nearly impossible to complete their tasks in the workplace.

On the other hand, some people believe that the part-time job will bring detrimental effects to the student so thus the idea should be discouraged. Perhaps one of the major negative impact to the young people would be to their academic result. It is well known that in present student are exhausted on their school works so anything that distract their study such as part-time job should be prohibited.

In my opinion, unless there is any financial difficult, teenagers should not give any of their precious study time to the part-time job. Instead they should spend their time on their study and even they have any leisure time, it would be wiser to spend it for other physical or social activities with their friends and classmates. There is not necessary to gain any working experience from the part-time job as that will be acquired when they are eventually join to the workforce after graduated.

In conclusion, while doing part-time jobs could let teenagers to gain some skills which may useful for their life as a whole, that activities could lead them fail to their academic study in the worst case scenario. So in my opinion young people should focus on their study and spend their time on other activities instead of a part-time job.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Aug 12, 2018   #2
Helloo smally01.., thank you for posting your essay here. Well, let me start with the opening paragraph. As we know, IELTS suggests candidates to learn paraphrase the question if they want to start writing their introduction. From your model essay, I think you have failed to do so although you have tried ones. Let me give you an example of how you need to paraphrase the question: The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. After you paraphrase the background information, then it is your task to state your claim known as thesis statement.

This essay will discuss both side of the views and my opinion.

is commonly found in students essay. Since then, I am afraid that this phrase can be categorized as one of the memorized phrases. I suggest you to rewrite this. Again, let me give you an example for how to write a thesis statement: Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters If you merge the background and the thesis, then they would be like this: The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters. When it comes to body paragraphs, then you'd better start developing your paragraph with a clear topic sentence. Then it is followed by claim, evidence and reason. Instead of pointing more reasons as you wrote above, you'd better choose one idea only and narrow it down. This is what you need to do for the next writing you have. Hope this helps :D

Regards,

- Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri, Indonesia.
OP smally01 9 / 34 14  
Aug 12, 2018   #3
Hi Eddy, thanks for your comments. It is true that my opening paragraph is fail to IELTS requirement.

No mean to criticize, as an IELTS teacher your recommendation of the paraphrasing and thesis should be of no problem at all, I just confused if I have to state the reasoning (experiences, detrimental effects, etc) to the introduction paragraph instead of only mentioning them on the body paragraphs.

I just not sure if I stated my topic sentences clear (definitely not according to your comments above):
2nd: part-time job good for teenagers as this train their social and communication skills
3rd: part-time job bad for teenagers as this lead them fail on their academic results
4th: my opinion on doing part-time job, which teenagers time should only spend on study or other activities but a part-time job.

Thanks again for your comments and I hope I can do it better next time.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - should teenagers do part-time jobs? Both side of the views and my opinion