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IELTS: teens admire watching famous sports stars play and make them as their heroes


Hanan1999 2 / 3 1  
Jul 7, 2015   #1
Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people?

People everywhere love watching matches on TV in different sports like football ,basketball ,swimming competitions .etc.Of course ,most of winner sports are admired by fans people from local and international places .Those famous sports stars play an effective role on the society ,especially among teens who admire and make them as heroes .In my view , famous players entertain watchers and at the same time indirectly teach teenagers a good or bad lesson through their behaviors inside or outside the framework of competitions .However ,it s difficult to make generalization on all professional players stars are represented significant roles on this area .

As referring above to the point , professional playing is not necessarily represent moral lessons but they in somehow show their talented plays .When teenagers see how these sports stars work so hard to win the game ,it will affect them unconsciously to be akin on being successful in something in the life .So , it isnot enough to be gifted without working so hard to develop positively your skills .For instance , successful players not all the time they win the competition but after losing game they try to play better next time to substitute this falling with strong heart and work hard to achieve on this match .In this case , teens ,with their obsession about famous athletes ,will raise their ambitious up to tackle falling in any fields .

Also , looking to how the fitness are they (sports stars ) ,it will encourage young people to keep them selves from obesity by doing physical actions like what those stars do inside matches .If we observe younger boys in home or outside ,they not only love to wear T.shirts of image or number figures of players but they likely be interesting to mimic the way of throwing ball directly inside goalkeepers or doing the same movements of wrestlers .It can shorten the road of minster of health to make campaign about how to be healthy via doing exercises to reduce the percentage of obesity in a country .For instance ,health advertisement can be used by bringing one of those players to the show because they have more influtienal impact in teenagers in general .Therefore , they can be a good model if they want to play active role in their society .

Sport players who are famous by their successful playing have positive effects on their society by the way they show their movements in the ground .And most teens love to see their plays and lovely act like them ,so this can increase their fitness in somehow .Also , they can support their governoment about how to be healthy unconsciously without expending alot of money in the campaign of against obesity .

shintacandrade 10 / 74 87  
Jul 8, 2015   #2
Hi Hanan,

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they do not.
Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.


1. Write the question completely. It will make the readers easier providing feedback in your essay :)
2. Punctuation marks: all the periods and commas. Punctuation rules in English are quite tricky (I am still learning it now), but these are little notes that make a huge difference in an article.

3.

People everywhere love watching matches on TV in different sports like football ,basketball ,swimming competitions .etc.

Your overall ideas are good, but your essay needs a more effective start which has a better relevance to your topic. This is important to impress your reader (the examiner in particular). I recommend you to write something like: Professional athletes often inspire many young people.

4.


As referring above to the point , professional playing is not necessarily represent moral lessons but they in somehow show their talented plays .

It is better if you write your topic sentence straight to the point and make it stronger: Professional sport players are able to show their talented plays and stimulate youngsters to do so.

5.

Also , looking to how the fitness are they (sports stars ) ,it will encourage young people to keep them selves from obesity by doing physical actions like what those stars do inside matches.

- Avoid to start a sentence or a new paragraph using also, it sounds informal. You can use the formal forms: In addition, Another reason, Furthermore etc.

- Well, I suggest you to rewrite your topic sentence. Let me give a try: In addition, many sport players always keep fit so that they have an athletic body shapes in which motivate young people imitating their healthy lifestyles.

6.

Sport players who are famous by their successful playing have positive effects on their society by the way they show their movements in the ground .And most teens love to see their plays and lovely act like them ,so this can increase their fitness in somehow .Also , they can support their governoment about how to be healthy unconsciouslywithout expending alot of money in the campaign of against obesity .

There are three things you need to do in your conclusion:
- use a transition to show it is the conclusion: In conclusion, To sum up, To conclude, etc.
- restate your thesis statement (the final sentence of your introduction) in different words
- give some personal opinions, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the topic

Hope this helps.
Cheers!
OP Hanan1999 2 / 3 1  
Jul 8, 2015   #3
It was really useful comment for me .I will work on it :).
Thank you very much :)
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Jul 8, 2015   #4
Ielts:Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people ?

Well, the question is asking whether you agree or disagree with the motion. Therefore, you need to state your clear position exactly upfront so as that readers are easily to predict the following body paragraphs. Let me give a try:

- Introduction:
Sports persons exert strong influence on teenagers. While this idea is utterly acceptable, It is agreed that sports stars as good role models come into young people's lives in a variety of ways : great passion and hard work.

As it can be predicted, the two following paragraphs will cogitate about great passion and hard work.

Still, you need to make a concession statement in the end of body paragraphs to show that you have other views. Here is the sample;

- Concession 1:
However, some may argue that athletes need to build creative spirit, such as social awareness and sensing, since it is believed that passion without creativy is nothing.

- Concession 2:
Despite this, some professional athletes both work hard and use drugs so as to get the edge on their opponents.

- Conclusion:
The aforementioned evidence shows that athletes are more likely to be the most influential person for young people. As good role model, their great passion and the spirit of working hard should be taken into consideration, since this is the secret ingredient for career success.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.


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