Hi Hanan,Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they do not.
Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.
1. Write the question completely. It will make the readers easier providing feedback in your essay :)
2. Punctuation marks: all the periods and commas. Punctuation rules in English are quite tricky (I am still learning it now), but these are little notes that make a huge difference in an article.
People everywhere love watching matches on TV in different sports like football ,basketball ,swimming competitions .etc.
Your overall ideas are good, but your essay needs a more effective start which has a better relevance to your topic. This is important to impress your reader (the examiner in particular). I recommend you to write something like: Professional athletes often inspire many young people.
As referring above to the point , professional playing is not necessarily represent moral lessons but they in somehow show their talented plays .
It is better if you write your topic sentence straight to the point and make it stronger: Professional sport players are able to show their talented plays and stimulate youngsters to do so.
Also , looking to how the fitness are they (sports stars ) ,it will encourage young people to keep them selves from obesity by doing physical actions like what those stars do inside matches.
- Avoid to start a sentence or a new paragraph using also, it sounds informal. You can use the formal forms: In addition, Another reason, Furthermore etc.
- Well, I suggest you to rewrite your topic sentence. Let me give a try: In addition, many sport players always keep fit so that they have an athletic body shapes in which motivate young people imitating their healthy lifestyles.
Sport players who are famous by their successful playing have positive effects on their society by the way they show their movements in the ground .And most teens love to see their plays and lovely act like them ,so this can increase their fitness in somehow .Also , they can support their governoment about how to be healthy unconsciouslywithout expending alot of money in the campaign of against obesity .
There are three things you need to do in your conclusion:
- use a transition to show it is the conclusion: In conclusion, To sum up, To conclude, etc.
- restate your thesis statement (the final sentence of your introduction) in different words
- give some personal opinions, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the topic
Hope this helps.