This is my first IELTS essay. Would you please score it.
Television has brought many changes to the way many children spend their leisure time. While some of these changes have been beneficial, others have had a harmful effect. To what extent you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, watching TV has been a common hobby among with most of the people, whether a child or an elderly. Children start watching TV after long studying day. In this essay I discussed some arguments for and against usefulness the TV programs for children.
There are a lot of TV programs which are tailor-maid to meet the educational requirements of children such as training programs, health care hints, sportive broadcasting and etc. These are useful for the children as they can learn many things while spending their own leisure time. Also some social and emotional skills can be improved such as helping to others and respect to elderly. Also most of these broadcastings improve creativity of children as they learn how to make a handcraft for their course assignment or even how to start an invention. Further, some parents will be happy when see their children are spending time to watch TV and, subsequently, will not interrupt their daily activities.
On the other hand, if TV watching become a habit, it would harm to the child's health. Too much indoor activities will depress not only an adult, but also a child. Also these type of indoor hobbies are the source of blood pressure, obesity, heart attach and other chronic diseases among with children in future. Social behaviors of children are also influenced by violent programs. It has been often said that watching scary broadcastings are the main reason for various range of crimes being committed by children.
Considering the above mentioned arguments, I believe that watching TV programs and broadcasting should be controlled by parents implementing suitable methods such locking particular program and specifying the fixed time for it. Parents should not be too much permissiveness in this regard. On the other hand TV-watching should not prevented completely as it has some benefit. In general, indoor and outdoor activities such as TV watching and sports should be balanced mainly by parents.
HI, ROKO, this is also my first time to estimate other's essay, I guess your essay can score around 6.5, but I cannot give you most useful advices like others in this website.
I guess if 'etc' and 'a lot of' are replaced by 'and so forth' 'a host of or a number of ' will be better.
By the way, I think the last sentence: 'In general, indoor and outdoor activities such as TV watching and sports should be balanced mainly by parents.' isn't appropriate for the topic, I don't understand why outdoor activities is related with TV effect... Moreover, I did't see any sports and outdoor activities discussed in the second and third paragraph. So I guess illustrate new conception in the last paragraph isn't a wise idea.
Nowadays, watching TV has become a common hobby among
with most of the people, from children to the elderly .
Children start watching TV after long days of studying .
There are a lot of TV programs which are tailor-made to meet...
Also some social and emotional skills can be improved such as helping
to others and respecting the elderly.
On the other hand, if TV watching becomes a habit,...
Also this type of indoor hobbyis the source of high blood pressure...
It has been often said that watching scary programs are ...
... TV-watching should not be prevented completely ...
I do not know a lot about IELT essay. However,to my evaluation, your overall essay seems pretty good. You give concise evidence to support your arguements.
In my view, there should be at least 5 paragraphs in the essay so that all the details become more succinct.
Here are my suggestions
Hi, I'm Seong and I am also studying IELTS course of english.
When I learned introduction of IELTS, teacher said you do not have to mention like
this 'In this essay I discussed some arguments for and against usefulness the TV
programs for children." because examiner or candidates know we are going to
discuss or what we mention.