Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

Television dominates the free time for too many people& prevent from socializing?


shezad 2 / 2  
Mar 10, 2014   #1
Dear All, I will be glad if you can provide your comments on my essay from all points that a good essay should have e.g. Coherence & Cohesion, Lexical resources, grammatical mistakes.

IELTS Task2: Television dominates the free time for too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socializing with Others (Agree or Disagree).

Television plays a major role in majority of the peoples' life, people enjoy watching movies, listening music, watching sports etc in their leisure time.However, watching television can take up a lot of time which could be utilized for socializing with people and friends. In my opinion, if we limit the amount of time we watch television, we can enjoy our free time.

First of all, there is not doubt about the fact that television has brought a significant change and has opened the windows of new era in our life. For instance, there are several channels being played; including but not limited to, BBC news, Movies, Cartoons, national geography, social dramas etc, one can enjoy watching any of the channel based on his preference. Considering myself, I prefer watching movies and learning new things from national geography channel, in my case TV not only enhances my general information about wild life and nature, but also provided me opportunity to watch latest science fiction movies and enjoy leisure time when I am alone. However, I feel if I spend extended hours sitting in front of TV and doing nothing it may reflect adverse effect on my health.

Moreover, watching TV is a passive activity. There are several negative attibutes associated to this particular activity and it would be worth to mention here. Doctors and most parents would agree that watching TV has produced everlasting and unaltered affects on the life of people especially children as it diminished the eye sight slowly and gradually one may start having blurred images as he may not see thing clearly. Furthermore, those who spend most of the time on TV, would not have time to meet and socialize people, and involve in healthy and sports activity. I would like to mention here that one of my friend used to watch television channels extensively, he preferred sitting home alone, meeting none.

As there is a saying, "Excess of Every thing is dangerous", I personally strongly believe and agree with this saying and would like to highlight over here that TV is just a device that is there to help us to get self entertained, know the information on what's happening around the world etc. Spending excessive time could bring catastrophic results in our social as well as professional life, therefore, we should spend only a reasonable required time watching it on controlled scheduled way and rest of the time should be utilized in other fruitful activities like sports, making relations strong and living healthy life.

Abdurasul 32 / 86 4  
Mar 10, 2014   #2
Hello!

I think your essay is pretty good.
But you haven't given any specific example.
You can use this:
Reason for your opinion + Specific example to support that reason!

But generally speaking your essay is good)
Gichki 4 / 5  
Mar 10, 2014   #3
your essay is good but you should punctuate it ... coz in some places i saw there should have been full stop but u hove used commas... other then that you have done a great job...
jon_snow 8 / 28 5  
Mar 10, 2014   #4
in my opinion, your essay is little bit out of focus. you job is to support or oppose the idea with several reasons and examples. If you support the idea, you should say, tv is good and support your idea accordingly. Don't write both part of your prompt in your supporting para. Moreover, you did not actually mention your position in your intro. Your opinion is vague. In your 1st body para you wrote mostly about the advantage of tv. However, after reading your intro i thought you were supporting the prompt. i am in great perplex.

moreover, you wrote too much complex sentences which made your writing difficult to follow. it will be better if you write simple sentence more than complex sentence. By doing this you can express yourself more clearly and your writing will become more coherent.

try to use specific example to support your idea. this will help your to write fluently and comfortable. In addition it will increase your word count.

if you can overcome those, i believe you can write an excellent essay.

wish you all the best :)
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Mar 10, 2014   #5
Television plays a major role in majority of the peoples' life, people enjoy watching movies, listening music, watching sports etc in their leisure time

Actually, you do not have to give examples in the introduction. Your primary objective should be to introduce the topic.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 11, 2014   #6
. In my opinion, if we limit the amount of time we watch television, we can enjoy our free time.

You are going out of topic. Your prompt asks you;

Television dominates the free time for too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socializing with Others (Agree or Disagree).

You need to tell the reader whether you agree or not that television dominates our free time and make us less interested to socialize with others. Keep your writing more with the prompt task. Pay attention to the structure that Pahan has suggested you for the introduction.


Home / Writing Feedback / Television dominates the free time for too many people& prevent from socializing?