TOEFL ESSAY about the purpose of Television (to entertain)

Television should be used to instruct people rather than to entertain them

There are different opinions regarding the purpose of Television. Although some might think otherwise, I strongly believe that television can be used to entertain them. In the following paragraphs, I will explain the detailed and logical reasons for my opinion.

To begin with, television should be used to entertain people to help them refresh. Contemporary society has made huge leaps in technology, amassing a wealth of information. Such overabundance sources overburden people with different kinds of complicated takes. For this reason, people get stress a lot and they need to solve their stress. Even though there might be other ways to get rid of stress, we cannot deny that television is the most effective and cheapest method to help people get refreshed. According to the research conducted by SS University, people answered that the most priority solution to remove their concerns was watching entertaining programs on TV at home after works. Indeed, watching drama and movies on TV makes people feel comfortable and forget about worries on daily life, with no need for money. If TV only has function of instruction, people would get more stress, which might lead to serious health problems. Therefore, it is safe to say that TV had better use for entertaining people.

On top of that, by watching entertaining programs, people can build up relationship with others. In fact, there are a variety of entertaining programs such as drama, reality shows and this is the primary conversation topic among people. While talking to the episode of drama people can feel intimacy even with unknown people, because entertaining programs does not require any specific knowledge so it is easy to share and keep talking to. For this example, I will refer to my case. I often watched educational program because it delivered useful information and I enjoyed it. However, most of my coworkers liked watching the drama and they shared the story during break time at work. I could not follow the story and I easily felt isolated. I ended up watching the drama instead of educational program and I became closer to my peers. My case typically shows how entertaining program creates a huge impact on people's relationships in society.

To sum up, for these reasons mention above, television is needed to be used to entertain people. This is because it makes people feel refreshed and because people can increase relationship in society.

your essay easy to understand and you write clearly

Your essay has problems mostly with word usage. Though your thoughts are clear, you should be using other words aside from refresh in relation to how people use television as a form of stress relief. Refresh just doesn't feel like the right word to be using throughout the second paragraph. Relax, de-stress, unwind, these are the more natural sounding words that could have helped bring more clarity to your presentation and also, show a good range of American English vocabulary.

Try to avoid presenting research material in your essay as well. Just as with the IELTS test, the TOEFL would like to know how you feel, what you know about the topic provided, and how well you can explain yourself, based on commonly known information or your personal opinion, based on your opinion of the given topic. Your essay is good, you know enough personally to defend your stance. There was no need to use the reference material in the discussion.

Your essay is clear. Although there are some problematic sentences and improper word usage, it did not impede the understanding of your thoughts. However, you should not go over 275-290 words for this presentation. 398 words would be unrealistic in the test setting because you need to review and correct your essay and that, will take time. So write less but clearly. You don't need to have an extensive explanation, you just need a clear, understandable explanation. Don't overdo things. That's when mistakes happen.

Errors:

Helping verb form:
... people would get more... - people will...

Comma usage between clauses:
... specific knowledge, so

These are some of the simple errors that you would have caught if you did not focus so much on writing and redirected the time usage towards perfecting the grammar and content presentation.