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Toefl Writing, Television should be used to instruct people rather than to entertain them

Katthew Kim 6 / 12 6  
Aug 4, 2017   #1
It would be my pleasure to get your feedback about my logic as well as grammar. I hope you guys have a nice day. Thanks!

This is the writing for the Toefl Test and the question is that Television should be used to instruct people rather than to entertain them

And I was asked the question 'Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.'

what kind of content in TV?

Recently, whether TV should instruct people or entertain people has been debated fiercely and some people claim that TV should be the educational channel to inform valuable knowledge to the public. While it can deliver few advantages, this function is not as effective as the function to provide entertaining contents to the public.

To begin with, TV is one of the most effective channels to lead people to feel happy. Most of the people nowadays find something to relax and relieve their stress because they are usually pressured by their work, study or relation. TV is the most common electronics in an ordinary family house and provides a wide range of contents including drama, music, sport, and even movie. For instance, my mom usually works in a hotel to clean several rooms, which requires a lot of physical work. In particular, this sometimes makes my mom exhausted. At that time TV helps my mom forget the stress she got from the work and recharge herself. Like my mom's case, I believe many people also have a relaxing time by watching TV to relieve stress from their daily life.

Furthermore, TV broadcast should deliver what people want to watch, entertaining contents. Basically, it is necessary for TV broadcasters to attract more and more people to watch their channel to maintain their business, and therefore, they should show what people want. If we think what kinds of channel attract most of the people on TV, we can easily guess what kinds of contents people want. According to a credential research in South Korea, most popular TV shows include sport, movie, and drama, which can make people happy.

To wrap up my main messages, TV should broadcast contents that can grant fun to the public because it will not only give the benefit to people, but also help TV broadcasters to maintain their business. Especially, it is expected to satisfy both sides of audiences and TV broadcasting company.
phongbilly 2 / 4 1  
Aug 4, 2017   #2
I think your essay is very logically constructed. If I were you, I would add a few more reasons why instructing on TV is not as effective. That's my only opinion, since your essay is pretty good already.
nguyenquan 2 / 3 1  
Aug 4, 2017   #3
Your essay is constructed in a logic way. However, I think, there are some mistakes:
1) Most of the people nowadays find something to relax --> "most people" is more suitable because it is not refer to any specific group of people

2) they are usually pressured by their work, study or relation --> " pressured" in this sentence is used as a verb, which means strongly persuade someone to do something they don't want, so it is better to use it as a noun in this sentence: " they are usually under pressure on their work, study and relations (relation should be used in plural form)

3)At that time TV helps my mom forget the stress she got from the work and recharge herself --> it is better to use past perfect: .... shehad gottenfrom... recharge -->recharged.

4) I personally think the verb " interest" is more suitable than " attract" when it is used for broadcaster
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Aug 4, 2017   #4
Matthew, you do not need to write an introduction for your original prompt statement each time. As a seasoned academic consultant, I know how to analyze these original prompts so all you have to do is post it directly. I know how to handle it. You waste too much space and time with the current presentation that you have and I have many other students to assist here so please, make my job easier and don't explain the prompt. Just post it. It will save me a lot time in reviewing your essay. Thanks.

Even with the division that you did in the presentation of the prompt, I was not misled into thinking that your opening statement followed the prompt requirements. You are missing important elements because of the presentation that you made in the paraphrase. You have a tendency to talk too much when you need to be talking directly to the reader. You have only 30 minutes to finalize this essay. Don't waste it by making your essays too wordy. That will cost you in terms of scoring when the quality of your work is considered. A direct approach for the discussion is best. Don't make it too short however that you end up with only 2 sentences. That will not increase your score. The safest and most time effective number of sentences to write is 5 per paragraph. It's easy to remember the ratio is "5:5" Let me address your shortcomings in the essay by starting with a proper paraphrase for your prompt:

There is a belief that television should be used to educate people. Others believe that television should only be used to entertain themselves. When asked for my opinion regarding this discussion, I would have to say that I disagree with the statement that television should be used only to educate people based on a number of considerations. This essay will discuss those considerations and reasons, supported by examples to help illustrate my discussion.

Please take note of how all of the prompt discussion points are included in this opening statement. Also, notice how I gave my opinion but did not actually begin the discussion of that opinion in this paragraph. That is very important because the essay has a limited sentence allotment due to time constraints so it is best to always keep the actual discussion for the body of paragraphs.

Once again, you have made the mistake of using the concluding statement to represent your personal opinion. Why do you do that? The concluding statement must only wrap up the discussion by reiterating the previous conversation. The whole essay was already about your opinion so there was no need for you to suddenly become specific about it in the concluding statement. You just needed to repeat the prompt, sum up the discussion points you presented, and repeat your support for the point of view that you have chosen.

This essay is good but lacks focus and proper formatting. I hope that you will show more improvement in your next practice test. I look forward to reading it.

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