Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Writing Task 2 Test 5 Cam 14 : Sharing information freely is the good ways ???


Chung1002 2 / 6  
Mar 15, 2020   #1
I want to see all of your comments below my essay . My target is band 6.0. Thank you so much.....

the free source of information?



Some people believe that is is good to shre as much information as possible in scientific research and academic world . Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely

People have a different views about information sharing that brings its own advantages and disadvantages at present. Sharing information and ideas in investigations of science , commerce or in the list of academic subjects is the best way to learn and put it into practice. However , others think in opposite ways that it is uncontrolled to sharing important information . For this causes , this essay focuses on thes diverse attitude toward exchanging information and a reasoned conclusion with my personal opinion.

From my perspective , there are various measures why people believe that it is essential to share information if we want to develop forward in the fields of education , science , trade and so on . Scientists should share their latest discoveries with other researchers around the world. Furthermore , their own invention will be recognized as a new achievement research. In addition , if ideas or new knowledge are imparted and shared to students by teachers , they can broaden their understanding and shorten distance learning over the internet. For example , in business , sharing experience in commercal activities for profit is necessary elements in economic expansion and by the contrary , it can not grow without sharing ideas.

Conversely , I understand why people do not accept the idea of sharing information for several reasons. One of them is the reveal of top-secret information and data belonging to government security about economy and polictic . This leading to driven to the verge if terrorism and increasing criminal figures . Moreover, hackers online can attack consumer by steal individual information from public personal account on social media like Facebook if we display them obviously

To sum up , I believe those who have argument for the free source of information in some special fields maybe except but there should limit in which we share information publicly like personal pictures , videos , certain business ideas or documents and so on . Therefore , I partly support both views.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,840 2631  
Mar 15, 2020   #2
This is a triple point of view essay. The reasoning paragraphs need to be composed of 2 public discussion paragraphs, respective of discussion points, and one point of view from a personal perspective. Your essay solely focuses on the personal perspective, which means the TA score will be around 4 because of the tangential response. You are focusing the discussion only on your personal point of view, which is not the instruction of the essay. The essay asks you to present the two points of view first, then base your opinion paragraph on a consideration of both reasons, with the final sentence of that paragraph stating your personal opinion.

It is funny how you were not able to relate the Covid-19 to this discussion considering it is a very timely topic. Considering that there is a discussion regarding how China handled the situation and how their lack of sharing information caused a pandemic, you could have used that current event to raise the Cohesiveness and coherence score of this essay, in addition to the TA consideration.

Grammar problems for this essay include, but are not limited to noun phrase usage mistakes, word choice errors (this causes = these causes (plural form), you can't say "can not" That means you are able to but not able to. That does not make sense.), and several spelling errors (commercal = commercial, politctic = politics, thes=these).

Like I said in the first part of this review, the personal opinion is not part of the conclusion. The conclusion can never be a continuing discussion for the topic. It is always used to summarize the discussion points towards a conclusion that indicates the end of the presentation. Your essay failed to do that. So, based on the improper presentation, plus grammatical errors, of which there are several, the possible score for this essay would range from a 3.5 - 4.
OP Chung1002 2 / 6  
Mar 16, 2020   #3
Thank for your opinion .... I will check it again


Home / Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 Test 5 Cam 14 : Sharing information freely is the good ways ???