Hi. Here are my suggestions for you.
They decide to choose them because more ...Where is your main subject for your subclause?
numerous people who have best achievement and
For superlative, don't forget to place THE as the determiner.
involve in many activity are seldom to show,VERB cannot be the subject. change it to be GERUND
As we know, numerous people who don't have popularity like ... (Where is your main clause? REMEMBER: (The number of conjunction = The number of sentence+1)
For example, Siti from bekasi
got scholarship to Germany because OF
her achievements. She graduated from THE
best university in Indonesia with THE
... or we usually called ojek(Please state that only Indonesian that called that)
. It's very inspire many people. (when BE followed by verb, you should make sure that the verb is Ving or V3).
I found many mistakes from your grammatical structures from subject-verb agreement. Try to improve that and you can try to give the revisions in this essay.
I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.