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IELTS AC 12 Test 7 - the perceptions of high speed rail in a country

hhching126 2 / 4 3  
Apr 23, 2019   #1
Some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains cities while others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.


High-Speed Rail or Existing Public Transport?

As the prices are rising on everything in our daily life, so do the renovation of the public transportation. Moreover, the newest technology release rapidly and it might appear much faster than the construction of any mass transportation. Thus, there are various opinion whether we should spend large amount of money on new high-speed rails or on improving existing ones?

The supporter of new transport systems advice that the transportation plays and essential role in countries' development and economic improvements. Furthermore, there are potential risks of existing transportation which might waste time or increase air pollution. Therefore, it is firmly recommended to invest a fortune for the brighter future. While the opponents suggest that the modern technology is at high-pace development and it is possible leading to dangerous incidents without well-trained staffs to manipulate the systems. Rather than investing money on the new transport, it is more likely important to maintain and improve what systems we have now.

There was no high-speed rail in my country years ago and there were plenty of people against this project initially because of its millions of US dollars' cost. However, after it was built, it brought not only practical convenience between cities but also developments along numerous stations. Meanwhile, we also continue maintain the existing systems to make up the missing areas where is not reachable by high speed rail. From my point of view, I can only partly agree both statements. On the one hand, it is no doubt that it requires huge investments in new public transports. On the other hand, we should not therefore abandon existing system.

In conclusion, we should use strengths of high-speed rail to compensate for shortcomings of existing transportation and vise versa.

(285 words)

Ps. I appreciated who takes the precious time helping me on my essay :)
By the way, I wasn't so sure whether I should take example in this essay because it stated under the question box:
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Maria - / 1,100 389  
Apr 23, 2019   #2
Right off the bat, you should be wary of your usage of verbs because of the tenses. You can easily fix this through revising your text to have more appropriate forms. If you want to evade this issue altogether, I would recommend try having simpler structures in your essay to have more flow in your essay. What I mean by this is that you should try to be more straightforward when it comes to curating content.

For instance, if I were to revise the introductory sentence of your first paragraph, I would revise this as:
The constant rise of prices of everyday goods comes with the need to renovate public transportation.

Notice how instead of using a comma and a non-conventional format for the sentence, I tried to make a clear-cut structure that is just one line. Having this concise composition can transform your writing. Moreover, I had also removed the usage of articles (the) when it's unnecessary. Doing this can help cultivate that straightforward articulation.

We can apply this as well to the succeeding sentence. I can revise this as:
Moreover, the rapid advancements in technology has overshadowed the construction of mass transportation.

Knowing how to use words to be able to cushion your thoughts into smaller chunks of text will be useful when you're writing for essay tests like IELTS because you are essentially bound by the word count.

When you're making an argumentative essay, it is also not essential for you to mention that there is a supporter and an opposition. You can simply mention that there are advantages and disadvantages. This latter format is better because it is more appropriate when you are making academic essays.

Try to be wary of your usage of verbs as well; always make sure that the words you are using are the appropriate ones. For instance, manipulating the system (second paragraph) can be interpreted differently than how you have phrased/intended it this way. What you can say is that the staff do not have the appropriate training to manage the complexity of the system. Saying it in this manner uses a more appropriate terminology.

What is being asked for when they ask you to incorporate examples is for you to substantiate the context. For example, if you believe that the allocation of government budget should be focused on public infrastructure and transportation, you can mention a country that has implemented policies that reflect this - and then proceed to link your arguments to the overall context of the essay.

Best of luck.

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