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Theme : about alternative medicine treatment and dangerous risk from it


YULIS 9 / 17 1  
Sep 17, 2014   #1
Theme : Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine. However, at the best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Presently, alternative forms of medicine are the most popular in the rural area and cities. Usually ,a person who gives alternative help will give inexpensive tax for their patients, it is one of the way for them to make other people interesting with their action. But, sometimes the medical patient do not thinking with its risk. Eventhough not all alternative medicals make dangerous risks for the patient.

In my view, people who live in the villages or cities they will choose the alternative medical rather than going to the doctor. It is because doctor's tax will be more expensive than alternative treatment. This paragrapgh, will explain about some of bad alternative treatments and dangerous risks for the patient. First of all, people who have disease such as stroke or blind will choose going to resource medication. They will call a person in an alternative medical place "the doctor" , doctor will give some therapies with traditional medicine ,where some of them do not know about specification of the disease. And they do not know what are the effect for long term. Some of them are illegal places, they will take much profit from their patient. In fact, they do not give expensive price for their treatment, but when per day they get 100 patients , they will get much money from customer. It is all about education from the patient and their family to choose which one is right and wrong way.

On the other hand, people who have good education and some knowledge about healthy range will choose the right way to keep their body health. For example for stroke or blind people, they will choose going to the doctor to get some operate or going to the other alternative such as physiotherapy, chemotherapy or acupuncture. By this way, the therapist are people who understand specifically about their disesase because they learnt before in the school and have good competency on their job. And the patient must not to be afraid with the dangerous risk of the therapy because they can handle and was thought before giving therapy.

To conclude, people have to choose the right way to get health for their body. Eventhough, the tax is expensive , that is ok if they will not get more dangerous risk for long term in the future, so people can enjoy the life until die.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 18, 2014   #2
Hi Yulis, I read your essay and went back to read the prompt because I felt like there was something wrong with your response to the essay question. It turns out, my suspicions were correct. Although you gave a very good answer in your essay, your response was nowhere near the expected response for this prompt. The prompt was asking you if you agree or disagree with the belief that alternative medicines are ineffective and dangerous.

Rather than saying "I agree that alternative medicines are dangerous" and then explaining why, you instead discussed why people would opt to use alternative medicine instead. This is is not about the right or wrong way to treat an illness. The question was asking you if you believed that alternative medicines could do more harm than good to a patient. So you needed to make an educated statement about why these drugs are dangerous. You could have discussed how these medicines do not pass through government drug testing and approval, so the people taking the medicine do not really know if the medicine is safe to drink or if it will work.You need to talk about the medicines itself, not its practitioners. Talk about the way the drugs are created, the lack of product testing and experimentation, the blind faith that people put into these drugs because it is all they can afford. Those are just some suggestions regarding what topics you could have used to answer the question posed.

I hate to say this but you need to go back and revise the whole essay. Your answer does not discuss the prompt at all. Instead, it discusses the choice between a herbal doctor and a professional doctor and the reasons people choose one over the other. This is not about the health treatment options available to people. That is not the answer that the prompt requires. You failed to answer the prompt because you either did not understand or failed to take the time to truly understand what the prompt was asking you to answer.

You need to be careful when answering prompts. Take the time to read the question over and over again if you have to. Ask questions if you must in order to truly understand what the essay wants you to discuss. Take the time to understand the question so that you can answer it correctly. Otherwise, even if you write an excellent essay, if it does not respond to the prompt, you end up with a failed essay such as this one.

I hope you revise the essay. I am looking forward to reading it :-)
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Sep 18, 2014   #3
For example for stroke or blind people, they will choose going to the doctor to get some operate or going to the other alternative such as physiotherapy, chemotherapy or acupuncture

Stroke or blind people, for example, they will choose going to the doctor for getting some operations or other alternatives such as physiotherapy, chemotherapy or acupuncture

try to make or write interesting sentences which can attract people's attention
OP YULIS 9 / 17 1  
Sep 18, 2014   #4
sir,,, so my essay doesn't mixsence with the theme??
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 18, 2014   #5
In my opinion, your essay makes some sense in relation to the theme, but your concentrated on the wrong part. You see, most of the discussion about alternative medicine, the controversy around it, is related to the medicines being taken instead of the treatment applied by alternative medicine healers. You see, alternative medicine healing is now part of what is known as "holistic medicine". Some forms of holistic medicine is already being accepted into the medical mainstream treatment. Examples of these would include chiropractic and massages. But once those practitioners begin to prescribe drugs, drugs that have not been government approved and tested in the form of "herbal medicine with no approved therapeutic claim", the dangers and risks of alternative medicine become a reality. That is why I was telling you to concentrate on the alternative forms of medicine instead of the treatments.

You can discuss the alternative treatments if you wish, but you still need to mention the drugs that they prescribe for treatment as well. The drugs are not government approved nor have they been tested by government drug regulation boards. So the effects of the medicine as far as positive and negatives are concerned, are unknown. If someone dies, it is not the alternative treatment that is usually blamed but the drugs that were prescribed with so many unknown factors existing.

Tell you what, try to balance out the essay by discussing both the holistic treatments and the drugs they often prescribe with their treatments in relation to the debate. Don't forget to make your stand on the issue very clear to the reader :-) I look forward to reading your new version , if you decide to write one ;-)
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Sep 18, 2014   #6
Presently, alternative forms of medicine are the most popular in the rural area and cities. Usually ,a person who gives alternative help will give inexpensive tax for their patients, it is one of the way for them to make other people interesting with their action. But, sometimes the medical patient do not thinking with its risk. Eventhough not all alternative medicals make dangerous risks for the patient.

I'm not sure with your introduction because it tends to be out of context.

Theme : Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine. However, at the best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Here is my introductory paragraph:

People are using alternative medicine forms to treat illness. Those methods work to be a well-known phenomenon of traditional treatments but some negative effects occur in. While it is understandable, I tend to argue that some benefits arise from those alternative forms of medicine.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Sep 18, 2014   #7
Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine. However, at the best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?

To answer the prompt correctly, it is always good to see these points. Here are:
1. Always watch and identify the parts of the prompt more closely.
Fact:Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine.
Opinion:at the best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous.
Task:To what extent do you agree with this statement?

2. Always focus on the details in the question and consider topic restrictions
Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine . However, at the best these methods are ineffective , and at worst they may be dangerous

3. Then, simply rephrase the question
Is the use of this medicine ineffective and dangerous?

If the answer gently says "YES", then explain "WHY", or vice versa. For this part, I recommend to look at both sides if possible. If you speak in favour of this issue, then findings from the journal Pain Medicine, that some older people tend to use alternative more frequently so as to cure chronic illness, can be used to support your argument. However, more than 2% older population in the USA reported to cause spontaneous bleeding after consuming Gingko biloba are strongly against the former one.

Presently, alternative forms of medicine are the most popular in the rural area and cities. Usually ,a person who gives alternative help (uncommon phrase. This mislead readers about the content) will give inexpensive tax for their patients, (run-on sentences. Stop here) it is one of the wayways for them to make other people interesting with their action (this vague idea) . But,(However, ) sometimes the medical patient ( what do you mean by this? do you mean the patient's medical history? or what? Please check it)do not thinking with its risk ( unclear idea) . EventhoughEven though not all alternative medicals make dangerous risks for the patient.

This introductory statement failed to represent the background information and thesis. If you could, then redo it.

In my view, people who live in the villages or cities they will choose the alternative medical rather than going to the doctor. It is because doctor's tax will be more expensive than alternative treatment.This paragrapgh, will explain about some of bad alternative treatments and dangerous risks for the patient (This adds no value. Omit it) . First of all, people who have disease such as stroke or blind will choose going to resource medication. (watch your verb use and syntax) They will call a person in an alternative medical place "the doctor" , doctor (use this phrase: medicine man/ witch-doctor, to describe the idea) will give some therapies with traditional medicine ,where some of them do not know about specification of the disease. And they do not know what are the effect for long term. Some of them are illegal places, they will take much profit from their patient. In fact, they do not give expensive price for their treatment, but when per day they get 100 patients , they will get much money from customer. It is all about education from the patient and their family to choose which one is right and wrong way.

You have written the body paragraph. However, you failed to present what the question wants. Please go back to the prompt to see what's like.

On the other hand, people who have good education and some knowledge about healthy range will choose the right way to keep their body health. For example for stroke or blind people, they will choose going to the doctor to get some operate or going to the other alternative such as physiotherapy, chemotherapy or acupuncture. By this way, the therapist are people who understand specifically about their disesase ( spelling problem) because they learnt before in the school and have good competency on their job. And ( And can't be put in the first sentence.) the patient must not to be afraid with the dangerous risk of the therapy because they can handle and was thought before giving therapy.

It's not about why educated people prefer going to medicine man, but why alternative medicine is dangerous. You are off-topic.

To conclude, people have to choose the right way to get health for their body. Eventhough ( spelling problem) Write: Even though , the tax is expensive , that is ok (this sounds informal speech) if they will not get more dangerous risk for long term in the future, so people can enjoy the life until die.

Simply restate the main point and thesis. If you could, give some suggestions, but do not introduce new ideas.
OP YULIS 9 / 17 1  
Sep 19, 2014   #8
thank u sir.i'll fix it
OP YULIS 9 / 17 1  
Sep 19, 2014   #9
thanks sir...i'll try to make it better


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