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The theme of the contest is WOW - my short story


4ever2bleed 9 / 28  
Oct 26, 2008   #1
The story is for a contest (which is due tommorow) and i need someone to correct it for me. The theme of the contest is WOW. This is like the first story i ever wrote so bear with me please :)

p.s. I know its kinda long sorry


Bang! Bang! Bang! As shots rang from the streets E's face broke out in a smile. Everyone ran out to go see but not E. "Mission accomplished," E laughs and says. As he put his head down to rest he could faintly hear sirens coming from down the street.

E , also known as Emanuel Davis, is a 23 year old drug dealer who resides in North Miami. All his life he was surrounded by money, drugs, and death. Some can say that he could care less about the lives of others. But this is not entirely true. He lives for his family and friends. Mess with them and you will have to go through him. And this is in the case of Anthony Baker, a 20 year old, undercover cop who acted as a drug dealer from Overtown. Baker tried to steal some of E's money, but he got caught by E's boys. So they got into a little confrontation, which ended up in the hospitalization of E's younger cousin, Damien. "Don't worry bout it cuz. I'm gonna get that sucker," E said as he held his unconscious little cousin hand. And so he did. Anthony Baker was found stretched out on an abandoned car. He was cut opened with his gusts hanging out, his sockets and 3 bullets to his head. This wasn't the work of E, but of his "goons" ( his friends). They kiss the very ground E walks on. E takes real good care of his boys. All goes well for them if they don't bite the hand that feeds them. So when E told Brion to take care of Baker, he couldn't refuse.

Few days after Baker's murder, E and his boys were playing ball. "Uggh! C'mon Trav," E says. Travis passes him the ball. E takes it and makes the shot.

"Ha ha! Another one for the boss," Travis says.
" I'm still wondering man why you didn't take that full ride basketball scholarship to Duke man" Ron says.
"Pssht! Man bump Duke and that scholarship. School ain't for me. The streets is where I live, eat, and die. I got people to take care of out here man. How were you going to get that roof over your head and them shoes on your feet." E says

"You right about that one boss." Ron says.
"C'mon y'all lets wrap this game up I'm hungry!" E yells. As they were getting their stuff together E's cell phone rang.

E picks up his phone and says, "Yo!"
"Hey man you won't believe what I just heard!" Birds says, E's right hand man.
"What?" E asks.
"Remember that sucker Brion did a couple days ago."
"What about him?" E asks.
"Umm word on the streets is that homeboy was a cop" Bird says.
"Naw, man the streets don't know what they talkin bout. That boy was born and raised in Overtown," E said.
"Yeah, and he went to some boogie police academy and was workin for the Miami-Dade police department," Bird says.
"Then why the heck was he stealing my money?" E asks.
"Cuz cops are people like me and you. They love money too. But I got good news from Tim," Bird says (Tim is a crooked cop, who E pays for inside information), "He diverted the trail from us and pinned it on Nate."

" Auntie Rissa ex-boyfriend cousin twice removed half-brother Nate?" E asks.
"Yeah," says Bird.
"All right man, I'll holla at you later," E says .
"All right Peace." Bird says and hangs up.
E turns to his boys and says, "Brion I want you to stay low for a while and dump that gun down the sewer or something a'ight."

"Yeah boss" Brion says.
"All right lets go I'm starving," E says.
The next day, E went riding around the neighborhood to make sure everything was going well.
"Hey man look at those fiends they loving that new product we bringing in." gloats E.
"Yeah ... Hey is that Pastor James in that hoodie over there?" Bird asks.
"Naw ... wait," E says, "Well if it isn't the preacher himself. He should practice what he preach."
"Man, times are rough. I don't blame him for wanting to 'ease' his mind," Bird jokes.
"Yeah well he didn't have to grill me Sunday about what I do man," E says angrily, "I mean look at those boys on the corner, to the outside world they just 'hoodlums' without a care in the world. But if they were living in these streets they'll know how hard it is out here. If it wasn't for me man these boys would literally be homeless."

"I know that's right...I mean it's not like they could even get a job at like a convenience store or somethin like that, "Bird says sarcastically and laughs.

"Whatever man, " E says.
Bird puts his hand on E's shoulders and gives him a little massage and says, "Don't worry man, you doin all you could to help these kids out."

E felt uncomfortable with Bird's hands on him like that. Whenever they were alone Bird always became touchy and affectionate.
E shakes birds hands off him and says, "I just hate to see my people suffer like that. That's why when me and Tiffany get married, I'm leavin the dope game and handing it over to you. I don't want my family to be in this mess. Aint no way Justin gonna grow up to be like his daddy. He's gonna go to school and get a degree and all that other stuff. I'ma raise him right," E says.

"Look man I respect that you want to take care of Justin and all but that don't mean you gotta marry that girl" Bird says jealously.

"That girl happens to be the love of my life. I don't appreciate you talkin about her like that," E says angrily.

"I'm just sayin ever since you hooked up with 'that girl' you aint got time for your boy no more. You don't show me no type love man," Bird says.

E laughs and says, "Hey man, you starting to sound like a female. Chill aight."
"I'm just saying you all I got. When my moms kicked me out who was there to give me a place to sleep? You, who put money in my pocket? You, who put knowledge in my head? You man. Ever since you hooked up with that girl you show your boy no love."

E laughs again and says, "Man you trippin, drive by my ma house, so I could see what's up."
A few minutes later, E is at his mother house, "Hey ma."
"Hey sweetie, hows everything?"
"Good, where pops at?" E asks.
"Oh he's in the room sleeping he, his blood pressure's kinda high, " his mother answers.
Ever since his pops had a stroke a few years ago, E was forced to take care of his family, which is why he didn't accept that basketball scholarship. His mom offered to take a job as a maid at a hotel. But E refused. He believed since he had to take his father's place and be the man in the house and take care of his family.

"So how's everything? E asks.
"Everything's good," His mother answers.
E pulls at a wad of cash and handed his mom a couple of hundreds she slowly took it.
"I can't keep taking this dirty money Emanuel?"
"Yeah well that money is paying the bills and putting Jessica and Tony through college," E says (Jessica and Tony are E's younger siblings).

"Yeah, well that's where you should be," his mother says.
"Ma, please not this again," E whines.
"I'm just saying you had the brains for it," she says.
"Yeah but I didn't have the heart for it," E says and kiss his mother on the forehead, "here is where I belong."

He leaves the house and gets in the car and tells Bird to drop him off home. Once he gets to his house, his son jumps on him and screams, " Daddy's home!"

"Hey big man, what's up?" E asks.
"Nothin," Justin answers back.
"Don't say: nothin, it's nothing. It has the letter g at the end," E says sternly to Justin.
"Oh sorry Dad, I'm mean nothinggg," Justin says stressing the letter g.
Tiffany was cooking in the kitchen, E came up behind her kisses her and gives her a big hug, "Hey baye, what's up with you?" E asks.

Tiffany laughs and says, "Nothin."
"Girl please don't get me started," E says and laughs.
Sunday morning after the service was done, Pastor James asks E to come in his office.
E comes insides and says, "Sooo...how you like that crack man?"
"Boy what are you talking about?" Pastor James asks defensively.
"You can't fool me. I seen you in that hoodie over there with those other crack heads," E says.
"Boy are you out you mind. I wasn't buyin or tryin I was preaching to those lost ones. They spend their last on what you got plaguing this how neighborhood," Pastor James says angrily.

E shrugs his shoulder.
"I brought you here to tell you to stop what you doing out here. Kids being raised without mothers or fathers and then they go to you and end up like their parents. It's a cycle and it needs to stop!" Pastor James says angrily.

"Man you don't know what you talkin bout. If it wasn't for me they'll be homeless!" E yells.
"It sad you know because you really think that your helping them, truth is your only hurting them. Where do you think those kids gonna be in a few years, huh, school? A real job? No! They gonna be shot up, dead, or in prison. Now imagine Justin becoming like those kids your helping," Pastor James says.

E rushes out the room hops in the car and speeds off. "Man this whole time I've been killing these people one by one. Robbing them of what they could've been. All this time I thought I was protecting them from what was hurting them. But in reality it's been me hurting them," E thought to himself. A thought came to his mind he turns the corner and heads to Birds house. As he reach Birds house, he runs to the door and starts banging on the door.

"Hey man, chill I'm coming," Bird yells out the window.
He opens the door and E comes inside and asks, "Hey man how much money do we have in the savings?"
"About 10 million give or take...Why?" Bird asks.
"I want to start a business or organization to help these people struggling out in these streets man," E says.
"Don't you already have something like that," Bird says and laughs.
"I'm done with the dope game man, I'm talking about a center where the drop outs could get their GED's, a rehab center for these drugs addicts, and other stuff like that to help my people," E says earnestly.

"What you mean quit the dope game?" Bird asks.
"As in stop the selling of illegal drugs on these streets. Don't worry you'll still be getting paid. I'll probably have you as manager or somethin," E says.

"What you mean? The dope game is all I know," Bird says angrily.
"All right I'll give you a 1 or 2 million and you could go somewhere and live happily ever after," E says.
"You don't understand man. I told you, your all I have," Bird says angrily, pulls out his gun, points it at E and says, "I love you man, but you'll never understand," Bird says.

E looks at Bird and says, "C'mon man you know I love you like a brother."
Bird cocks the gun and says, "yeah and that's all I'll ever be!" Bird screams and pushes the trigger.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
EF_Team5 - / 1585  
Oct 27, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

Since you didn't really provide specifics about the prompt (I don't know what "WOW" is), I will just give you some basic mechanical and grammar suggestions to help you get started.

First, make sure your spacing is correct. For instance, at the beginning of your essay there is a space between E and the comma. There should be no gap here.

Second, try not to start your sentences with conjunctions such as "and," "so," and "but." It is considered bad writing as well as bad grammar.

Third, make sure that you show possession by using an apostrophe and an "s". For instance, "little cousin hand" should be "little cousin's hand" because his cousin possesses the hand.

When using numbers in writing, the general rule is that if the number is ten or under, spell it out; if it is 11 or above, it is acceptable to use the numerals. Your use of "3" at the beginning of this piece should be written out in words.

Make sure you are always including ending punctuation when writing dialogue. For instance, "...scholarship to Duke man" Ron says" should have a comma at the conclusion of the dialogue. "...scholarship to Duke man," Ron says."

Make sure all of your sentences, including dialogue, begin with capital letters. For instance in the dialogue near the end "...says, "yeah and..." "yeah" should be capitalized because it is the first word in the new sentence of dialogue.

Now that you have an idea as to what to look for, go back through your piece carefully and make the rest of your corrections. You've got an interesting piece here, and once it is cleaned up, will be greatly improved.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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