Thesis Statement for essay 'internet has destroyed the ability to communicate'

I m learning how to write essay for TOEFL. Please give me feedbacks about my example essay.

Thank you

Thesis Statement is 'Many people believe that the internet has destroyed the ability to communicate face to face. Is this belief true about your friends and family?'

Nowadays there are several popular social networks that many people use to communicate with their friends or their relatives. For example facebook and twitter are the most popular social networks. Internet which is the best advent of twentieth century has lots of advantages and disadvantages. In addition to this one of the disadvantage of the internet will be destroyed to communicate face to face.

I had a bad experience about this issue. A girl who was my dormitory friend in university, spend all time in internet. She has been chatting all day, she has been eating in a haphazard manners and internet has start to destroyed her communication ability. First of all, she didn't go to the university, than she fall down all exams. For this reason she must be study her year again. She gained weight and her healthy was worse day by day. She had a several problem but didn't speak to anyone. When her family became aware of these attitudes they dediced to go psychologist with together. After three séance with her psychologist his skills started to change. After this experience she spend her only one or two hour in internet during the day. She was start to be a more social person. We did many of thing with our other dormitory friends. We went to the cinema, played bowling, met our friends in every weekend. We had lots of funny day. Today we are chatting in facebook but we met monthly and we talk with telephone bi weekly.

Conclusion, technology will be change every day. We use it's advantages but we must be carefull fot it's damages. Internet is one of the technology change and there are several benefits our lives. It provides to us all information in any subject in a very short time.On the other hand we don't forget our social activities that support to how to manage our personal developments. Although it's benefits we protect ourselves from it's harmfull affects that unlike affects of communication.

Nowadays, there are several popular social networks that many people use to communicate with their friends or their relatives. For example, facebook and twitter are the most popular social networks. Internet whichiswas the best adventinventionofin the twentieth century which has lots ofboth advantages and disadvantages. In addition to this one of the disadvantagesof the internetwill be destroyed to communicate face to face.is the end of the ability for face to face communication.

Good luck! I'm sure you do fine on the test.

Tan vi has given you many useful advice! While I have some thing to add. I think you should put some transitional words in your story.

Thank you so much for your feedback, I'm taking a Toefl course now, I hope, I'll write much better essays at the end of the course.