I'm writing a thesis statement about My Background, Things I Like and my Goals. I'm only posting my likes part because it seems the most finished. I'm looking for edits on things I should add, take out, vocabulary, punctuation, basically any advice I can greatly benefit from.
There’re many things that I like, but there’re two things that I loving doing and they are playing football and building and repairing computers. I started playing football around the age of 13. The positions I played was tight end and defensive end. My first play of my first game ever, I came into the game second quarter as a tight end and an outside linebacker, who I was supposed to block, came at me like a freight train and laid me flat out. That's when I learned how practice and game day differed. After about 3 games, I started putting the opposing teams quarterback on their asses at least twice almost every game. That’s when I started to build a strong will for playing football. Football then became my life; I no longer defined it as just a game. Determination and dedicated to be better then my opponent, I still live by that statement. I would practice my technique until I couldn’t get it wrong. I was a human version of my teams playbook. I had every play memorized like the back of my hand. I stopped playing football around age 15 due to bad choices. I started playing football again, SEMI-PRO, last year and will continue to. I was never good in math but, problem solving computers feels like I’m born to do it. I’ve gotten my first computer at age 14. I was thrilled and spent all night and day on it, figuring it out and learning it. After a few months of using my computer it did what every store brand computer does, broken down. I wasn’t quick to look for the warranty because this was my chance to look under the hood. The inside of the PC case looked way too complicated so I proceeded to closing it back up. After a few searches on my library’s computer and contemplating what the error messages that displayed on my computer meant, I came to the conclusion that I needed a new OS(operating system). That was the first time ever that I fixed a computer problem. After about 2-3 years of reading, studying, and fixing various computers, I decided to build my own. I built my own pc and with great success I completed it. From building my first PC, I’ve built over 30 computers for various people. I don’t only get satisfaction in building and fixing computers, but that I’ve taught myself every thing I know about computers and that I’m helping people along the way.
Not bad overall. You need to come up with a transition between playing football and fixing computers, though, and should probably deal with them in separate paragraphs. Some minor fixes and suggestions:
"The positions I played were tight end and defensive end."
"whom I was supposed to block"
"Determinedand dedicated to always be better than my opponent, I still live by that statement"
"I started playing football again, SEMI-PRO, last year and will continue to do so . " Also, unless you were playing for a league whose initials happen to spell out the word "semi-pro," lose the all-caps.
"After about 2-3 years of reading, studying, and fixing various computers," You read a computer? Did it have good character development?
