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I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself


Notoman 20 / 419  
Dec 1, 2009   #1
We are supposed to write a half of page (single spaced) about ourselves--hopes, dreams, aspirations, beliefs, convictions, passions, background, interests ... that kind of thing. Man, it is *hard* to write about myself.

I know that this has some sentence fragments. Are they a problem? I feel like I use the word "I" too much. I would like to mix up the way I start sentences a little more, but I don't know how to work that in. Does this fit the prompt?

Thanks so much for any and all comments. I am WIDE open to criticism.

I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old, I am not solidified; my future yet to be determined. Always growing, always changing, always learning. For now, I live in the suburbs with my parents, my brother, and a dog named Riley. Every fifth house has the same floor plan, the trash is invariably under the sink, and six-foot privacy fences surround the miniscule yards. When I am an adult, I would like to live in an Italian flat that overlooks the village plaza. I will put the trash in the broom closet. I am a nonconformist, letting people think of me what they will. I don't waste my time on designer labels or materialism, but I do like to wear a tie on test days-dressing for success or something like that. Watching from the outside, I am content to be a wallflower. I am a romantic who puts love before personal needs; I am still looking for the girl of my dreams. I have stood on the Prime Meridian, seen the lights of Paris from the Eiffel Tower, and danced a tango in Buenos Aires. Playing the bass guitar relaxes me. The soundtrack of my life has a steady bass pulse and an upbeat tempo. I like my music loud, but I know how to turn down the volume and when to use headphones. As a rocker, I take pride in the music I make. I am an actor living a role on stage. Theatre is where I come alive even if it is only in the guise of a character. I am a scholar with knowledge filling my mind. Learning is more important to me than the final grade. Books are my opium and I am a voracious reader. I am an environmentalist who believes this world of ours is finite. I have canoed the Boundary Waters, hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and climbed a fourteen-thousand foot peak. . For the past three years, I have volunteered to cook and clean twice a month at a shelter for battered women. I will be an Eagle Scout if I can ever get my project off of the ground. I am a cleric, and a devote follower of my faith, but I believe that spirituality and religion do not necessarily go hand in hand. I have epilepsy, but epilepsy doesn't have me-most days at least. I believe that living life is always better than having it lived for you. And most importantly, I am myself.

nikky4u 2 / 5  
Dec 1, 2009   #2
Try to make sure you are using complete sentences Always growing, always changing, always learning double periods one needs to be deleted . . For the past three years, The rest is very nicely worded.
carlychan 2 / 7  
Dec 2, 2009   #3
Try to use more conjunctions between sentences.
Example:
Every fifth house has the same floor plan, the trash is invariably under the sink, and six-foot privacy fences surround the miniscule yards; therefore, when I am an adult, I would like to live in an Italian flat that overlooks the village plaza.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Dec 2, 2009   #4
That's a tepid opening you have:

I'd question your use of "solidified" and inform you that nobody's future is known. There are a lot more expressive ways to capture emotion and thoughts here. The idea you have is bare -- so noncommittal that it just wastes space. You seem a tad indecisive and all the while your paragraph isn't gelling on its own. Don't be so jittery; choose a central topic about that what you couldn't separate from yourself if you wanted. I mean, when you wonder silently what do you find yourself thinking about in earnest; what is important to you?

I don't know, if I'm writing about myself it's going to be heavy. But some people can't imagine or bear a serious approach to this kind of topic, and you couldn't force them to sit still. That alone is a pretty good indicator of the wide range of characters and personalities we find among us, so while one person's ontology might take center focus, another person's account might talk exclusively in specific worldly matters and another may recount their life history with a different kind of tempo giving way.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Dec 2, 2009   #5
..very nice cadence !

even if it is only in the guise of a character. I am a scholar with knowledge filling my mind. Learning is more important to me than the final grade. Books are my opium and I am a voracious reader.

even if it is only in the guise of a character. I am a scholar[,] with knowledge filling my mind. L [l]earning is more important to me than the final grade. Books are my opium[,] and I am read voracious[ly] reader .

but I believe that spirituality and religion do not necessarily go hand in hand.
OP Notoman 20 / 419  
Dec 2, 2009   #6
Thanks for the feedback!

Try to make sure you are using complete sentence

I took that part out. I was trying for a stylistic, stream-of-conscious feel, but a high-school essay isn't the place for that. My teacher may or may not realize what I was trying to do. Even if he did realize it, that doesn't mean he'd appreciate it!

Try to use more conjunctions between sentences.

Done! This piece *is* all over the place. I tried to smooth it out a bit with conjunctions and transitions.

The idea you have is bare -- so noncommittal that it just wastes space. You seem a tad indecisive and all the while your paragraph isn't gelling on its own. Don't be so jittery; choose a central topic about that what you couldn't separate from yourself if you wanted.

True! I was trying to hit all of the teacher's key words--hopes, aspirations, dreams, background, convictions, interests. I was afraid that if I stuck to one topic, music let's say, that I would come across as being one dimensional. My rewrite is still jittery, but I cut the number of topics touched on and expanded on those that remained. It would be easier to commit if this were the typical collage app essay that asks the writer to expand on just background, diversity, or a single interest.

I mean, when you wonder silently what do you find yourself thinking about in earnest; what is important to you?

*grin* I am seventeen. I value my iPod, I hope to pull a "B" in my Shakespeare class, and I think about girls in earnest, but I really couldn't write about all that. My life is vapid and my thoughts aren't deep. When I say that I want to break out of my suburban existence and be more like *you*, I am not being facetious. Mustafa, you embody the type of scholar that I hope to be one day.

very nice cadence !

Why, thank you. That means a lot coming from you, Rajiv. I made the corrections that you suggested.

We'll see what kind of grade this garners! This teacher is the hardest I have ever had (and probably ever will have).

Thank again for all of your input.
Mayada 6 / 96  
Dec 3, 2009   #7
I really like it.. but don't you think that the ending is kind of a cliché? "I am myself"... can't you use something unexpected,,,, creative? I like what you said, but I totally expected what you were going to say after "And most importantly,"

I'm not saying that it's a bad ending but your reader can see it coming..
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 3, 2009   #8
I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old, I am not solidified; my future yet to be determined. Always growing, always changing, always learning.

Simple switcheroo of punctuation here?

I am many things, but as a seventeen-year-old, I am not solidified <hmmm, not so sure I like this word My future is yet to be determined; always growing, always changing, always learning...

Ooops! I just saw all the excellent feedback you have already gotten! < jeannie hangs head in chagrin...

Yer good.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 3, 2009   #9
Always growing, always changing, always learning.

Whether or not poetic fragments are okay depends on your teacher. Assess her/him for conventionality vs. creativity.

; my future is yet to be determined.

It's tough not to overuse "I" when talking about yourself, unless you use the third person to talk about yourself like Kevin does when the voices start refusing to be ignored. Kevin dissociates.

This is good stuff right here. If it was an admissions essay, I would advise conventionality, like paragraphs and stuff. But this is appropriately rant-ish.

Trying to give a useful idea: As an alternative to trying to cover everything and inevitably reducing the subject... you could focus on a particular aspect... like your self of the moment. I guess that is related to what Mustafa said.


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