Thanks for the feedback!
Try to make sure you are using complete sentence
I took that part out. I was trying for a stylistic, stream-of-conscious feel, but a high-school essay isn't the place for that. My teacher may or may not realize what I was trying to do. Even if he did realize it, that doesn't mean he'd appreciate it!
Try to use more conjunctions between sentences.
Done! This piece *is* all over the place. I tried to smooth it out a bit with conjunctions and transitions.
The idea you have is bare -- so noncommittal that it just wastes space. You seem a tad indecisive and all the while your paragraph isn't gelling on its own. Don't be so jittery; choose a central topic about that what you couldn't separate from yourself if you wanted.
True! I was trying to hit all of the teacher's key words--hopes, aspirations, dreams, background, convictions, interests. I was afraid that if I stuck to one topic, music let's say, that I would come across as being one dimensional. My rewrite is still jittery, but I cut the number of topics touched on and expanded on those that remained. It would be easier to commit if this were the typical collage app essay that asks the writer to expand on just background, diversity, or a single interest.
I mean, when you wonder silently what do you find yourself thinking about in earnest; what is important to you?
*grin* I am seventeen. I value my iPod, I hope to pull a "B" in my Shakespeare class, and I think about girls in earnest, but I really couldn't write about all that. My life is vapid and my thoughts aren't deep. When I say that I want to break out of my suburban existence and be more like *you*, I am not being facetious. Mustafa, you embody the type of scholar that I hope to be one day.
very nice cadence !
Why, thank you. That means a lot coming from you, Rajiv. I made the corrections that you suggested.
We'll see what kind of grade this garners! This teacher is the hardest I have ever had (and probably ever will have).
Thank again for all of your input.