Write about the following topic.
In the past, most people lived in small villages where everyone knew every one else. Nowadays, most people live in large cities where they only know a few people in their area.
What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community?
Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
My answer is below. Please give me feedback and score prediction. I really appreciate it. Many thanks!
Nowadays, people tend to choose big cities to live in is gradually become popularity instead of concentrating on living in rural villages in the past. Despite the difficulties, living in the countryside also brings many benefits.
I think everyone who lives in a small village can easily see many benefits. Firstly, inhabitant in here are very friendly, they all know each other. When you get stuck, everyone can help you enthusiastically and unconditionally, that makes people's relationships even more cohesive. Secondly, you always feel safe anywhere and whenever because the amount of crime in here is very low, especially people always keep an eye on and be alert when strangers enter the village. Also, life in the countryside is very peaceful, the air quality is very good, so everyone feels relaxed and lives a healthy life. It is simple life, but everybody is happy.
However, there are a number of disadvantages when you choose live in small village. You have to accept living with the lack of conditions such as schools, hospitals because of the long distance and bad roads. That leads to the quality of education decreased and the health of each citizen is not guaranteed. Besides, small villages are far from industrial zones, so people don't have job with stability salary to provide quality of life.
After all, in my view, there are certain disadvantages to choose live in small village. However, if government invest more in construction roads and factories, living in small community will become more worth living.
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You have several sentence representation errors in the first line of the first paragraph (is gradually become popularity = is gradually becoming more popular) Additionally, your representation if the discussion requirement is not as proper as it should be. You need to understand that you have to outline your discussion points in the restatement section because there are direct questions to be responded to. You have to give one specific advantage and one clear disadvantage in those lines to highlight how the discussion will be dealt with in the reasoning paragraphs.
There will be 2 reasoning paragraphs in this essay. One for the advantage and one of the disadvantage. As you are not being asked for a specific opinion in this prompt, you should not provide one in the essay discussion itself. Do not take any specific side in this discussion because it is not a single opinion essay. It is more of a general discussion topic that allows you to use the first person pronoun within the discussion.
Your discussion is not very cohesive as you do not actually compare the same topic points as an advantage and disadvantage. The clarity and coherence of your essay will be in the way that you can create a balanced discussion using the same topic for different points of view. You score better overall because of that clarity in the presentation.
In the conclusion, you are not summarizing the discussion points from the reasoning paragraphs. You are also offering a solution to a perceived problem. However, there was no problem indicated in the original prompt and, you were not asked to provide any solution to a specific problem. You will lose points as this is a serious prompt deviation in terms of conclusion representation.