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IELTS GT Writing task 2- How do you think children should spend their free time ?

TuyenVo 1 / 1  
Jun 18, 2020   #1
Please help me to reveiw my writing below.

Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more schoolwork.

How do you think children should spend their free time?

Some people suppose that children have too much free time which kids should use more for studying. In my opinion, that statement is quite exact but not all the cases.

On the one hand, spending extra time doing schoolwork has some positive impacts on teenagers. Firstly, the more time children spend on studying, the more knowledge they could earn. In fact, various researches show that human learning is most influential in the first few years of life. Hence, if children could effectively take advantage of that period, they would create a strong foundation for their growing years later. Secondly, focusing on school assignments instead of other entertainment, such as video games, also generates the child's discipline. Actually, this character is extremely necessary for children's development, which makes them standstill in front of the temptation of their surroundings.

On the other hand, there are some unavoidable negative effects on adolescents that need to be mentioned. Firstly, taking too much time at school or for homework would absolutely deprive kids of outdoor activities. These days, many developed countries tend to guide their youth with more social and survival skills through extracurricular programs. In fact, without these activities, youngsters might lose a considerable amount of joy and real experiences. On top of that, enormously doing schoolwork would give children tremendous stress, which could lead to some terrible mental problems. As recorded, a lot of gifted kids became psycho because of learning all day and night.

In conclusion, I suppose that adults should help children allocate their free time properly as long as kids still have a balanced life.

Osama0435 5 / 9 4  
Jun 18, 2020   #2
Hello @TuyenVo

I'm also preparing my IELTS, too. If you have time, please read some of my threads and it will be great, if you could help me to check them and give me some comments as well. Thanks.

I think the essay above is a good essay. However I discovered some mistakes in your essay. Following are the mistakes.

1. that need to be mentioned I think you could use "should be mentioned" because it sounds better.

2. taking too much time spend

3. learning all day and night burning midnight oil

4. terrible mental problems illness

Best wishes,
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3343  
Jun 19, 2020   #3
Your discussion format is incorrect. Your direct opinion is being asked for, this is not a comparative discussion. The point for discussion in the 2 reasoning paragraphs should have been based on:

How do you think children should spend their free time?

The choices for spending their free time being:
- doing their homework
- however the child wants to spend it

These are the discussion considerations that led to the failure of your essay. The discussion you should have been defending, in a single opinion should have been taken from the aforementioned time spending activities. Your misunderstanding of the original prompt led to the incorrect prompt restatement and succeeding incorrect reasoning paragraphs. The correct paraphrase is:

There is an ongoing discussion pertaining to how kids should be utilizing their extra time. There are those that believe that youngsters are allowed too much time without doing anything productive. Others feel that the hours should be accounted for by addressing more educational requirements. I believe that children should be allowed to spend their non-academic time doing whatever they want.

Then, without falling into the comparative discussion trap, you could have explained, in 2 reasoning paragraphs, why you believe children should be allowed to spend their free time doing what they want. Create a relationship between the belief that children are given too much free time and why you believe that time away from academics would be a good thing. Both reasoning paragraphs must support your point of view that children should have the freedom to spend their extra time any way they want.

By the way, the opening and closing statements need to be 3-5 sentences long. That is the requirement for the paragraph format, regardless of its position in the presentation. So you fell short by 2-4 sentences in those sections. Remember to follow the sentence count next time. It will help increase your overall score. Just always remember that the opening and closing paragraphs are both composed of summarized information. The first takes information from the original prompt and the last, takes the data from the original topic, reasoning paragraphs, and a repeat of your opinion.
OP TuyenVo 1 / 1  
Jun 19, 2020   #4
Hi @Osama0435,
Thanks for your suggestion. I will read your essays and give recommendations if I could.

Hi @Holt,
I really appreciate your valuable advice. There are some useful ideas and words that I could apply to improve my essay.
However, set aside the improper discussion format, how do you think about my lexical resource, grammar, and coherence and cohesion? Would you mind recommending me?

fatika3007 4 / 8 3  
Jun 21, 2020   #5
It is such a wonderful essay. However, there is some suggestion to improve your essay :
1. You have not stated the clear statement in the introduction paragraph about how the children should spend their free time. It is essential as to outlining your discussion topic in the following body paragraph.

2. The question does not ask you about the positive or negative impact, but it encourage you to think about the possible activities/ action to maximalize the freetime opportunity for the children.

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