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Why do you think people attend schools?; 'for learning lots of things'


Hisashi Kondo 1 / -  
Dec 17, 2009   #1
I made an essay about "the reasons that people attend college" for addmision(TOEFL)
But I don't know how to improve this essay. Would someone correct my essay?

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Question:
why do you think people attend college or university?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers.
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Essay:

I think that the people attend college for learning lots of things. People may have many reasons to attend college. For some people the reason may be a preparation for their future job,while others may put emphasis on whether they can learn something new or not. I claim that people should go to college to learn things.There are some points that we can learn in college. We can get various updated knowledge from learning courses. Besides, we get life experiences from friends. Let me tell you some details one by one.

First, courses in college provide us lots of up-to-date information. Of course we can learn many topics by ourselves, however learning in college is better way to study. At college, teachers can teach us using illustrations,figures and pictures to make the points clear. It will be a great help for us. We can study the latest topics in college.

Next, we can get life experiences from attending college. For example we make friends when we are in college. People have plenty of time to play around and talk one another during the school days.On the contrary, we cannot become close friends in business circumstances. Frankly speaking , college is fit for making friends. In my case, fortunately I made lots of friends that we can get along with through an entire life.

In conclusion,the reason that people attend college for me is to learn lots of things.
Fireater - / 4  
Dec 17, 2009   #2
''...while others may put emphasis on whether they can learn something new or not''.

this part doesn't make sense. you might be trying to say

''... others may go to see if they can learn something or not''.

''I claim that people should go to college to learn things.''

'I claim' should not be used with 'should' here. you should either eliminate 'should' or use 'I think' for 'I claim'.

they essay is focused. but you can elaborate a bit on the 'learning new things' part. like you can say 'Even though we can study by ourselves, we can learn a lot from other people at college. The experience of a professor can guide us through a subject better than we can guide ourselves.'
hitchhike 14 / 27  
Dec 17, 2009   #3
Hi,
Here is my suggestions:

The first and second sentences are the same and you didn't add any new info or idea.
I think that the people attend college for learning lots of things.

I think your conclusion is not enough you should summarize that points you mentioned in the previous paragraph. (Learning lots of things and life experiences)

good day friend :)


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