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I was only thirteen at the time but old enough to understand that Leukemia was cancerous; UC essay


Teeddy 1 / -  
Oct 3, 2014   #1
Prompt 2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Bạn đang nói gě thế? Běnh tĩnh đi, thế nŕo ông có thể có Leukemia? The muttered voice of my Aunt was clear enough for me to understand what she had just learned. I could hear my mother, crying on the other side of the line. I stood behind the closed door with my ear against the cold wood trying to decipher her conversation with my mother. She had no idea I was listening, but as soon I heard a quick mention of Leukemia I thought to myself, "What does Leukemia has to do with my four year old brother? What's going to happen to him? Is he going to die?". Numerous thoughts raced through my mind as I try not to assume the worst, almost instantaneously my hands clasp together above my head and before I knew it, I was trying to speak to God.

I was only thirteen at the time but old enough to understand that Leukemia was cancerous. My brother had fallen ill two days earlier. I thought it was a typical fever, but he didn't get up for two days straight. His shallow breath moved his tiny body only the slightest. His veins were bulging against the pale of his skin. I didn't know how serious this was until the night of my mother's phone call. He was rushed to the hospital.

I went to visit him a week later. As I enter his room, everything became so pronounced. That wasn't even my brother on the hospital bed. It seemed like an unknown figure. I couldn't even see his ears underneath the wires that were now circulating through his fragile body. His cheeks were swollen from medication that it almost changed his face. He couldn't move and could barely see. As I leave the hospital I could hear a soft calling almost like he didn't want me to leave. I realized from that point in my life things would not be what people may call "normal"; it was going to be different and I would need to adjust to this.

Normal wasn't going to be apart of my daily life anymore. The idea that my family would go through struggles was unthinkable. Before I was free of everything but now I am attached with constant worrying. As time flew I've learned to make every moment count despite what has happened. I've learned to do what I love and have found my passions. Whether its dance or trying to become an astrophysicist I can do what I please. To this day, I am fearless of anything that challenges me. Fearless to go out and live. His resilience is mine. I am proud of his ability to have overcame this disease. His recovery has made me unafraid to pursue my passions. Because if he can do it, I can do it.

It has been four years since that point in my life. My brother is alive and well. Everyday I look at him I see an eight year old boy that is strong both mentally and physically. I embody his will to push forward and to fight against death himself. His will to stay strong and fearless has shaped the way I think. Because now when I see Tommy's name light up my phone I do not fear what I am going to hear but simply, answer. He wants to play MarioKart and I'm in.

vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Oct 3, 2014   #2
Teeddy, you have presented a very touching story that reveals an important character maturing experience in your life. However, there is a problem with the essay as you have it in its current form. too much time is spent discussing your family and the illness of your brother which took away from the discussion and analysis of your character growth and development. I believe that you should read over the essay and consider the portions that you can either shorten or delete so that you can develop your response to this family tragedy instead. I would do it for you but I should give you a chance to edit the essay to your liking first. After all, this is your story and only you would know now to truly shorten it by deleting certain aspects. Concentrate more on discussing how the illness affected you. How did you react? How were you of help to your family and your brother? What did this event inspire you to do? By discussing those aspects, you will be able to show us why you are proud of your accomplishments and how your actions have helped you develop into a better person, son, and family member. After discussing all of those points, you will have created an essay that adheres to the guide questions that were provided in the prompt.
Danah96 5 / 14 6  
Oct 4, 2014   #3
I am absolutely in love with this essay. I can't add much to it, as I am afraid any modification I make would spoil it. But, just a few suggestions:

- Talk more about how it affected you before you gained your strength.
- "Normal wasn't going to be apart of my daily life anymore. The idea that my family would go through struggles was unthinkable. Before I was free of everything but now I am attached with constant worrying. As time flew I've learned to make every moment count despite what has happened. I've learned to do what I love and have found my passions. Whether its dance or trying to become an astrophysicist I can do what I please. To this day, I am fearless of anything that challenges me. Fearless to go out and live. His resilience is mine. I am proud of his ability to have overcame this disease. His recovery has made me unafraid to pursue my passions. Because if he can do it, I can do it. " I feel like you should change the way you introduced us to his current state. Also, I think you should add a sentence to fill the gap between the time of worry and the time of strength, so it can act as a segway.

- "That wasn't even my brother on the hospital bed. It seemed like an unknown figure." The way you phrased it doesn't seem appropriate. It makes it sound like he as what horrified you, rather than his illness.

By the way, I love the ending.
eldubb - / 3  
Oct 4, 2014   #4
Wow! Can I just say that your introduction was so unexpected? I loved your essay. It really pulled me in and kept me reading until the very end. I do feel that the essay doesn't necessarily answer the prompt. The details were so explicit, but there wasn't enough detail as to how your brother's leukemia has made you grown into the person that you are today and why it makes you so proud. As others have said, concentrate on the effect of your brother's disease on you.

You are a great writer. Just add on some more detail to answer the question.


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