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IELTS: The three-column figure illustrates a survey of 1000 teenagers


lindaqueen 2 / 4 1  
Jun 10, 2014   #1
Hello everybody, I'm preparing for IELTS test, would you be kind to take a look and review my essay below? Thank you very much. :)

The three-column figure illustrates a survey of 1000 teenagers in five countries in which they were asked about what age young people should have certain rights and responsibilities.

As can be seen form the graph, Japanese adolescents perceived 23 as the most appropriate age for marriage. In the US and UK, young people believed that 18-year-old peope were able to get married. Meanwhile, Mexican and Egyptian adolescents believed people could marry at younger age, 15 and 16 respectively.

In terms of voting and criminal responsibility, Japanese young peole believed people above 18 can bear the responsibilities. Interestingly, in the USA, 18-year-old people were perceived having the rights to vote; however, 12-year-old children must be in charge of criminality. Young Mexicans, Britians thought young people could vote at the age of 16 and could hold accountable for criminality at the age of 15. Eventually, in Egypt, the age gap between people voting and bearing criminal responsibilities was bigger.

In brief, Japanese young people thought older people were entitled to marry, vote and take criminality than others.




fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 10, 2014   #2
Japanese young peole believed people above 18 can bear the responsibilities.

you made misspelling,
also, you use 'people' more than 5 times,it may make the readers feel bored
OP lindaqueen 2 / 4 1  
Jun 10, 2014   #3
Thanks for your comment.


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