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Three Yearbook Write-ups (Description of a Person)


ArowanaPrincess 1 / 1 1  
Aug 28, 2017   #1
Hi! I need to write yearbook write-ups for my friends and I need help critiquing them. It would be nice if you could help me describe my friends. Don't worry, I changed their names to protect privacy.

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Elijah



If there's one word could never describe Elijah, it's 'boring.' He's a fun-filled ball of energy, whether it's looking beautiful during Halloween or a fun night at the dorm. He's an extrovert through and through. While he may be frank with his opinions, he's surprisingly gentle and empathetic. Despite any first impressions, he does care, more than he lets on. His wit is as big as his heart, and considering the number of medals he has won, that's fairly large. Elijah always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Sam



Sam is a force to be reckoned with. She single-handedly dragged me into the Homestuck fandom through heavy spoilers and beautiful fanart. She's an excellent best friend, always willing to listen to your problems and be there for you. She's willing to support my crazy endeavors and tell me when I'm not thinking straight. Her watercolor artworks are as charming as her beauty. I know that she will grow into a kind and mature woman. I have full faith and trust in her. I hope our friendship will won't ever end.

Benjamin



Benjamin is a level-headed.leader, filled with determination and fury. His black eyes are consumed with the burning fire of a dragon, pursuing his target relentlessly. He's always willing to share his opinion with you, never backing down from an argument. He's always willing to call out your mistakes and is ready to help others. As an honest and dependable person, you are sure to find a good friend in him.

afriawan33 3 / 5 2  
Aug 28, 2017   #2
Hi princess, hope this helps you...

ELIJAH

Fun, energetic and humble, those three words are the most suitable words that can describe Elijah. I truly believe you won't move your attention once you know her.

SAM

Beauty is something that always attached to her, she will be the one that you can rely on when you down to the rock bottom, to listen and to absorb all the negativity you had. her passion for art affects people surround her too attached to her.

BENJAMIN

Critic yet a loyal person would be good words that can replace his ambitious image as a future leader. yes, he is the ambitious person but you will get affected to be a better person when you are along with him instead of intimidated.
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Aug 28, 2017   #3
Aro, the descriptions that you wrote for Elijah and Benjamin are perfect. Don't change anything about it. It is fun, informative, and allows a wide range of people to get to know them on a general level. The same cannot be said for the description that you wrote for Sam. It is not as good as the other 2. I find that is a bit more selfish in presentation because you describe her on a personal level within the context of her relationship with you as her best friend. Try to make the description of Sam as casual, relaxed, and funny as the general description that you gave the other 2. That way, it doesn't come across as obvious partiality on your part with regards to the degree of friendships that you have with all 3. Think of the reasons why people would like Sam when they meet her. The same way that you presented Elijah and Benjamin. It has to focus less on your personal relationship and more on what makes Sam a good person and a friend to everyone. You can do this by removing the personal references to your friendship with her. Revise it to be more descriptive of the person as an overall girl next door, friend to all kind of thing. That will make it more interesting and fun to read.
OP ArowanaPrincess 1 / 1 1  
Aug 28, 2017   #4
@afriawan33
Thank you, but that's not exactly what I'm looking for... :P

@Holt
Ah, okay. I'll try to write more objectively for Sam's write-up. Thank you!


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