Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


IELTS TASK 2: Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent...


suxiaojing 13 / 18 7  
Apr 23, 2016   #1
Please give me a score and all your suggestions! I wanna get band 7! so your suggestions will be very useful for me!!!!!

ESSAY:Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent and conflicting. If women governed the world, the world would be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In contemporary world, male leaders play dominant roles in the national regime which has sparked off an intense concern among the public. Some people claim that men are generally characterized by violence and tough that poses a pernicious threat to the global peace and harmony.Personally, I disagree with this opinion.

To begin with, leaders who give priority to the economic development and prosperity invariably, regardless of gender, would seek for economic collaboration and exchange with other countries, rather than wars and conflict. It is simply because carrying dangerous and violent plans would not only gravely affect the productive and effective structure of economy but also render countries to be isolated and discriminated by other nations in the global community. Considering those serious consequences, not a single leader would be willing to undermine the peaceful and harmonious atmosphere of the world.

Additionally, due to the proliferation and popularity of democratic ideology, dictatorship are no longer advocated and encouraged by the public and nations. Nowadays, the power of national leaders are, more often than not, restricted by the constitution and the political system. Under such circumstance, those brutal and ferocious behaviors of leaders would be immediately and promptly denied and opposed by his/her counterparts and the public. Therefore, the gender of leaders should not be blamed for the wars and conflicts occurred in the world village.

Admittedly, a vast number of people are afflicted with a series of physical and psychological disturbances which are caused by those merciless and violent actions. However, with humanitarian relief and the coordination of some global organizations such as the United Union, such circumstance is an isolated issue. Thus, it should not be overstated.

To conclude, I concede that the nature of female enables individuals to consider that female leaders are more suitable than males in the realm of promoting world peace and stability. Nevertheless, I am still convinced that the gender of leaders are by no means the determined and crucial factors of starting wars and deteriorating the global peace.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 24, 2016   #2
Xiao, your flow of ideas is understandable, and quite informative. I didn't see any problems when you tried to explain your idea briefly. Yet, I think that you need to maintain your writing style as balance as possible, since somehow you still made some mistakes, which confused the reader (examiner). Now, you can see my feedback below:

- ...by violence(noun) and tough(adjective) that poses a pernicious threat to the global peace and harmony. (Remember, in a parallel sentence separated by coordinating conjunction 'and' should use the same part of speech. Ex: Noun and noun, adjective and adjective)

- ...leaders who give priority to(prioritize) the economic... (instead of using 2 words 'give priority', it is better to compress it becomes 1 word 'prioritize'.)
- Nowadays, the power of national leaders areis .......... (the subject is 'the power')
- ...opposed by his/her counterparts (instead of 'his/her', it is better 'his or her' or 'their' (make it plural))
- ...occurred in the world village. (village and world, both of them are NOUN, perhaps you can choose one of them)
- ...the gender of leaders areis by... (the subject is gender)

There you are xiao, I think if you are able to be more aware in composing this task, you will attain 7 or perhaps more than that. Keep trying! :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Apr 24, 2016   #3
Hi Su, from the previous reviews, I must say that you have evolved in your writing,we feel very proud that the notes that we provided are helpful as well as useful in your writing.

Now, in this particular essay, the ideas are clearly defined by the words you choose to use in the sentences. Each paragraph is written with a fine flow of ideas that coincides with the previous as well as the succeeding ideas.

The argument you pointed in this essay is not only the result of your opinion but it is base on facts, the recent changes in the society, when it comes to our leaders, definitely does not draw a different meaning towards leadership,gender is not the basis, it is a factor but nor the overall or main reason in the uprising or violence.

As mentioned, this a good essay and I hope that you keep up the good job, write more often and try to read other students writing as this will also provide you with additional insights on your future writing.
ainirere /  
Apr 26, 2016   #4
Additionally, due to the proliferation and popularity of democratic ideology, dictatorship are IS no longer advocated and encouraged by the public and nations.

hi Su, you have a very good essay, however you should be more attention to the plural and singular terms, it is a small mistake but could influence your score.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent...
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳