Hy, ritairiantri. You write a proper structure for IELTS task 1. However, let me give few suggestions.
did you mean with
The line graph present
A grammatical issueThe line graph presents
or the line graphs present
The line graph present data about teenagers who spend the time with five variant media per-day in hours and the table illustrates about United State Adults who waste the time with plenty of media per-day in minutes over a four year period, from 2010 till 2013.
This kind of bulky paragraph containing too much information. Possibly, It is better if you break it down to two paragraphs.
the right parallelism must be from... to...
Overall mostly inhabitant watch television as the best choice to spend their time, it shows
betweenboth on the line graph and table.
I suggest you to separate your intro and your overview part. Clearly written or paraphrasechildren and teenager
instead write inhabitant as it attached in your prompt.
fromto the graph
According from the graph, music and audio are quite popular with 3 hours per-day and become the second options to spend the time among teenagers between 18 years old, in contrast with US Adults prefer spend the time approximately 170 minutes each day with internet than audio visual with 89 minutes in 2013.
If you could, try to separate it. I am not too keen that a paragraph just contains with a sentence.
I agree that such prompt is the advance one which include much information. So it should be difficult to make a proper report. I guess that you need more than 20 minutes
to complete it, so do I if I face this prompt :DD
Another suggestions for you are pay attention about the tense use and attach full part of the prompt. I saw you use full of simple present while the prompt depicts the past data (2010-2013). Furthermore, you are not report data on Mobile
and the groups from 8 to 12 years old
. Try to include in in your essay to increase your mark.
Overall, this is good and hopefully those work for you :)