"family time" is now decreasing
Topic: In modern time, young adults are spending less time with their family and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?
Nowadays, young people prefer hanging out with their peers rather than sharing time with their family. This is due to the widening generation gap. However, compelling children to stay at home more is a counterproductive approach to tackle this issue as it does not foster the relationship between parents and children.
The differences between parents and children are increasing to the point that they feel it difficult to enjoy the time together. The world we are living in has been changing so rapidly that the experiences youngsters have today are totally different from that of the previous generation. This leads to the contradiction in viewpoints and lifestyle of people living under the same roof; and they end up being unable to do common activities. For instance, the majority of teenagers now enjoy online entertainments and services which their mothers and fathers are not familiar with. As a result, a young adult cannot play an online game with their parents or tell them about an event on Facebook in the way that they do with their friends.
Although time spent among family members by youngsters is decreasing, forcing them to stay at home more is not an appropriate solution to strengthen family bond. If adolescents have to be home against their will, they will feel upset during the time spent with other family members. An example proving this is an article in the Huffington Post stating that it is the quality, not the quantity of shared time that help build healthy relationships.
In conclusion, due to many differences between the young and their parents, family time of youngsters is now decreasing while time spent with their mates is on the increase. However, parents should not force their children to stay at home more as it will negatively affect their relationship.
From the introduction, I think you've made a slight mistake by changing the task prompt to some extent. Young children "spend less time " doesn't necessarily mean that they " prefer hanging out with their peers rather than sharing time with their family". Therefore, the following arguments of yours seem to be " off the road " a little bit .These arguments have misled readers and made the prompt a much more serious problem based on " preference" . And I believe this is not true at all. This is just my opinion though.
As for me, I would develop my arguments based on the hectic lifestyle, the enormous amount of work or the complicated network of internet in modern days. I can see that point in yours here. However, personally I wouldn't let it go too far as you.
Furthermore, when you provide an example like in your paragraph 2, especially when it is not so well-known (like an article), you should give more details of it. Or else, it even makes your essay more difficult to understand. And if you don't have enough time to do that, don't provide the example but developing other aspects of ideas and arguments.
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You have some pretty valid discussion points in this essay. The problem is, that is all they are, discussion points. There was no real development of the explanation because there were several other topics involved in the paragraph before you presented your unsupported example later on. The second paragraph is a perfect example of an under developed and non-cohesive discussion presentation. You should have opened with "the majority of teenagers now..." because that is a highly perfect sentence for the paragraph and would have automatically included a reason and an example in your discussion.
Since these essays rely on your personal knowledge, observation, and opinion, the presentation of the reason from the Huffington Post should not have been made. You will be writing in the booklet, with only 40 minutes to complete this task. You will not have internet research access. Practice as required, use personal opinion and experience whenever possible. Basing your reason more on your personal relationship with your parents would have been more applicable.
By the way, in the paraphrase section, a simple yes or no answer would have been sufficient. That is because a question was being posed in the original and a response to it was required. However, the reason for your response, should have been threshed out in the second to the last paragraph instead, where the explanation of your personal opinion was required.
Thank you very much for your support