tobacco adverts should be banned?

i am preparing for ielts, i am really worried about my writing. please help me to check my mistakes.
and your comments on whole, thanks so much
In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction.

In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes.

For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned.

Recently, public media professionals have warned about the danger of smoking cigarettes, and they have also showed a plenty of scientific evidences to clarify this bad habit on people's health. However, in some group of people, the numbers of addicted people has been rising rapidly. Therefore, many people are in favor of an opinion that all advertisements of tobacco companies should be totally banned, and this widespread opinion should be acknowledged.

Obviously, advertising on TV or other media means now is the most powerful means of all businesses, and tobacco companies are not an exception. Through using this form of advertisement, those companies can gain giant profits via the rise in the sales. In addition, the State can collect more money for national budget by income taxes.

However, hundreds of thousand people die every year because of smoking cigarettes, and with this negative effect on humankind, I definitely agree that all adverts of tobacco companies should not be allowed on all public media means. Scientists have claimed that smoking can lead to dealy diseases such as cancer, heart disease and other diseases related to cardiovascular and respiratory problems. Most of those diseases are uncured or costly to cure. In addition, smoking can not only damage health of smokers, but also non-smokers. Many scientific research indicated that passive smokers can be affected by smoke stream outside which can lead to severe problems.

To sump up, banning all tobacco companies from advertising on public media is an effective solution to this problem. However, educating the young is considered more effective way. Therefore, it is much better when all schools take courses showing the danger of smoking to their curriculum.

In my opinion, I don't think you should say that. Because negative influences aren't just passed on by TV, but also by one's social life. What you can say is that banning advertisement of tobacco is a really good start to prevent young adults from smoking instead of saying it is a solution.

Yes, in my country advertising on cigarettes and liquor is prohibited now. And also smoking and drinking in public is prohibited. This rule was published by the new government two years back and now most of the people is very happy of the rule and nobody is smoking in busses or trains.

Only problem is the government gets less taxes but citizens are happy and hope that we will have a healthier society in the future.

hello, Kumara.
your comments are out of the question. please leave more useful comment about my essay. thanks so much

...and they have also showed a plenty of scietific evidences to clarify this bad habit effect on people's healths....
....the number of addicted people has been rising rapidly....
....and tobacco companies are not an exception...
Moreover, smoking can not only damage health of smokers, but also non-smokers'( delete "too")
Passive smokers can be affected by smoke stream outside,which can lead to severe problems.

hello, greentea93. are u vietnamese, too. nice to meet u.many thanks for your useful comments. i have posted several essays. i am wondering could u check them for me. thanks in advance.

i think it is better :
...tobacco companies should not be allowed on all public media means...

that smoking can lead to fatal or deadly diseases such as cancer

Therefore, there is an opinion that all advertisements of tobacco companies should be totally banned. ------ good, but you ended the first paragraph with this idea, so maybe you can change it:

Therefore, many people are of the opinion that all advertisements of tobacco companies should be totally banned, and this widespread opinion should be acknowledged.

There are great corrections by the people in this thread! Everyone is contributing well.

Moreover, smoking can damage not only health of smokers, but also the health of non-smokers.

...plenty of scientific evidence to clarify this bad habit's effects on people's health.

evidence does not need an s
and the evidence clarifies the effectson health.


----- whoops, "sump up" sounds like something dirty.

:-)

thanks Kevin. however, i do not understand why "to sump up" is not a good word. i think " to sump up= in conclusion" could u explain further for me and show me some other one can use in the last paragraph in writing essay. thanks so much

Do you mean "to sum up"? "sump" has a very different meaning with "sum".

thanks so much beginer
HELLo KEVIN. sorry i had a spelling mistake. it is" to sum up"

:-) hahah, right on. Now you know what I meant. "Sump" is a funny word.