i am preparing for ielts, i am really worried about my writing. please help me to check my mistakes.
and your comments on whole, thanks so much
In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction.
In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes.For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned.
Recently, public media professionals have warned about the danger of smoking cigarettes, and they have also showed a plenty of scientific evidences to clarify this bad habit on people's health. However, in some group of people, the numbers of addicted people has been rising rapidly. Therefore, many people are in favor of an opinion that all advertisements of tobacco companies should be totally banned, and this widespread opinion should be acknowledged.
Obviously, advertising on TV or other media means now is the most powerful means of all businesses, and tobacco companies are not an exception. Through using this form of advertisement, those companies can gain giant profits via the rise in the sales. In addition, the State can collect more money for national budget by income taxes.
However, hundreds of thousand people die every year because of smoking cigarettes, and with this negative effect on humankind, I definitely agree that all adverts of tobacco companies should not be allowed on all public media means. Scientists have claimed that smoking can lead to dealy diseases such as cancer, heart disease and other diseases related to cardiovascular and respiratory problems. Most of those diseases are uncured or costly to cure. In addition, smoking can not only damage health of smokers, but also non-smokers. Many scientific research indicated that passive smokers can be affected by smoke stream outside which can lead to severe problems.
To sump up, banning all tobacco companies from advertising on public media is an effective solution to this problem. However, educating the young is considered more effective way. Therefore, it is much better when all schools take courses showing the danger of smoking to their curriculum.