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TOEFL_A job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high


byxvera 2 / 1  
Jun 25, 2011   #1
A job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high salary but less vacation time.

As the French writer Voltaire said "work banishes those great evils: boredom, vice and poverty". Thus, it is clear that both leisure time and compensation are pivotal in making a decision of occupation. However, the definition of happiness compels me to choose a job with more leisure time without any hesitation.

It is true that a high-paying job allows people to gain more money to ensure a more comfortable and worry-free life. With a high income, people can afford delicious foods, live in comfortable housing and purchase expensive commodities. In addition, earning a high income also wins recognition, respect and admiration from others, which is why doctors and lawyers are among the most respected jobs in the world.

Nevertheless, if people choose a less strenuous job with more vacation time, they would become physically healthier and emotionally healthier. For example, on their holiday, they can play sports or enjoy more recreation and amusement which are the elements of a happy life leading to less stress and tension. In contrast, those people who have a high salary but less vacation time may often focus too much on meetings, sales targets or contracts, etc. Hence they ignore their physical and mental health, but are overwhelmed by high pressure instead.

What's more, the relationship between a person and his family members will be much improved as he chooses a job with more vacation time because he has more time to join in family activities such as picnicking or camping. Consequently, intimate relationships will prevent recurrent problems such as divorce which is always associated with a lack of communication. For children, additionally, the absence of one parent can exert a deeply negative effect on their development. The child might question his own value to the father or mother and develop low self-esteem. Neither lavish pocket money nor expensive gifts could compensate for lack of love or improper guidance. The majority of parents would not abandon their children in this way.

By comparing these two types of working conditions, one would easily see which is better. Despite some workaholics or some people who are able to find an excellent balance between life and work, most people such as I would rather sacrifice salary for personal time for those reasons.

ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jun 26, 2011   #2
hi,

....which is why doctors and lawyers are among the most respected jobs ( they are professionals , a doctor is a person-not a job i think.) in the world.

Your essay is quite cool and I would say that your english is also good. I could only find the above mentioned error in your writing which is ofcourse ok.

maybe u can also add that satisfaction is the key to an individual's expectations and performance in life. Different people have different perspective, some want money-some want enjoyment...

you can also co-relate this topic to LIFE... life is all about exploring new horizons and enjoying the new challenges. however there are several jobs in which no matter what u wish, u can't enjoy too many days off. For example people working in essential services like police, health care, military etc., they cant get long term vacations.

Your essay is really good, i am just trying to give you a wider perspective, and the key to write an essay is to be prepared to counter the opinion against you.

I hope it helps u.

QUOTE FOR U:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

- Dr. Seuss
OP byxvera 2 / 1  
Jun 26, 2011   #3
ajit88rai
Thanks for advice. :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 28, 2011   #4
Great job, Ajit! Bao, in addition to those corrections, I want to mention that if this was my essay I would add one more sentence to the first paragraph. In the first paragraph, you expressed your main idea. However, you can SHARPEN your main idea by adding a sentence. Adding another sentence adds definition. It adds "specificity."

Therefore, it will help if you add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and it can be a sentence that tells specifically what you are arguing.

I also want to mention that your writing is already probably good enough to pass the toefl. You have excellent fluency. So... use it to help other people here at EF! :-)
Becool 4 / 6  
Jun 29, 2011   #5
Hi Bao, your writing is quite impressive. I would like to tell you something about your writing. I noticed some minor errors.
You should write a topic sentence, then you would support that topic sentence with some details and examples. For example, You wrote

"What's more, the relationship between a person and his family members will be much improved as he chooses a job with more vacation time because he has more time to join in family activities such as picnicking or camping." Instead of writing because part in that sentence, you should probably try to write it separately to support that topic sentence.

Another thing: In spite of writing "What's more," you could write "Moreover" or "What's more is that"

Similarly, "that" is considered more formal, so instead of writing "which" most of the time try using "that," based on identifying or non-identifying clause.

Hence (,) they ignore their physical and mental health, but are overwhelmed by high pressure instead.
When you use a comma before coordinating conjunctions, such as and, or, but, for, nor, and so, you have to use subject in the following cause after that coordinating conjunction.

These are the tip that will help you in academic writings since your current writing is good enough for TOEFL.


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