I'm going to take a Toeic writing test this month and will really appreciate it if someone could check and give a comment to me so I can improve my skill.
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the statement:
It is important to work at a job you enjoy than to earn a lot of money
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Choosing between a favorite or a high-paid job is always a challenge to anybody who concerns about their career. There is a belief that having an enjoyable job is much more important than earning a lot of money. In my opinion, I agree with this idea for the following reasons.
First, pursuing a job just for the financial purposes may damage your health both physically and mentally. You may put yourself in a begrudging situation when you have to work too hard in a field you dislike to have a high salary. Overworking in such an uncomfortable condition, therefore, will often lead to exhaustion and many illnesses such as diabetes or heart diseases. Additionally, you can even be stressed or depressed sometimes when you keep chasing something which is never enough like money.
Second, we all know that money cannot buy happiness. Despite the fact that money is important, it should not be an exclusive concern and prioritized in one's career. We should include other factors such as working environment, co-worker relationships and especially job satisfaction, which we can find more easily in a more suitable job. After all, being rich but fail in living a happy life is meaningless and a kind of tragic.
Third, you can be more productive and creative when doing a job you enjoy. It is believed that you will work more efficiently and will be more engaged in an environment that you feel comfortable. For example, an artist is more likely to come up with more unique and valued artworks when he works under passion rather than pressure. Thus, money can also come from an enjoyable job if we have motivation and try our best.
In conclusion, a satisfying job will bring about more benefit to people. It is not worth in trading a fulfilling and happy career just to earn some money.
Hey Chi,
You have good ideas for the essay, but you should distinguish the 1st and 2nd point more. Right now, my understanding is that your 3 main points involve: physical health, mental health/job satisfaction, and work quality. Is that right? Mental health and happiness sound very similar to me, so you may want to reassess how you frame your points.
A few comments about writing style:
"In my opinion, I agree with this..." >> I highly recommend expanding your thesis sentence to include subpoints (your 3 ideas above). If you say "I agree because A, B, and C" instead of stopping at "I agree," the essay will sound much more complete.
Avoid using "you" and "we" in an academic essay. Instead convert it to third-person. For eg: "You may put yourself in ..." >> "People may put themselves.... when they have to..." or "One may put oneself.... when one has to...."
2nd eg: "we all know that money ..." >> "It is a common sense that money cannot buy happiness"
"Additionally, you can even be stressed or ..." >> 'work fatigue, exhaustion, mental crisis might be some helpful vocab. Especially here: "After all, being rich but fail in living a happy life is meaningless and a kind of tragic." >> It is actually quite common for people to experience existential crisis when they reach a certain point in career. It can happen to every career but you can search it up if you'd like and see if this can strengthen you point.
"It is believed that you will work more efficiently and ..." >> you can even go a step further to 'scientific evidences show that....' Job satisfaction does increase productivity and creativity, as management principles go.
Your conclusion, like your thesis, should aim to summarize your subpoints as well. And I'd aim for 3 sentences per paragraph.
Finally, and this is purely optional, you have briefly used counterargument here: "Despite the fact that money is important, it ..." Counterargument is a harder structure, in which you raise a point that potentially disagrees with you, and the refute it. For eg, the disagreement is that 'money is important' and then you refute with 'there are other things that are also important.' You can expand this structure to a paragraph rather than just a sentence. But again, this is slightly more challenging and you don't necessarily have to use it for TOEIC. Just a suggestion :D
GL.
