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[IELTS TOPIC] - In many countries, students who behave badly in class are expelled


hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Nov 1, 2012   #1
[IELTS ESSAY]
TOPIC: In many countries, students who behave badly in class are expelled from their schools and never allowed to return. Many consider this an effective way to educate while others disagree.

Discuss both sides and have your own opinion

In many schools, students are expelled for their poor behaviours. Some people argue that this is a suitable punishment to have a better educational environment. However, it is also disagreed by many others. In this writing, both sides will be analyzed before a conclusion is reached.

On the one hand, tough punishment is crucially important to strengthen principles of schools. For example, when a student is dropped out of school for stealing a mobile phone, there is a great possibility that other bad students will not risk their educational prospect for a similar mistake. This will certainly bring about a better school. Thus, the benefits that come about when misbehaving children cannot continue their study can be seen.

On the other hand, education is significantly crucial for anyone's future. The fact is that e person's social status is best enhanced with high educational level. Whereas, students that are expelled from school usually end up with crimes and drugs. Therefore, it is reasonable that children should not be out of school for any reason. In addition to this, students are very young and vulnerable to impulse actions that cause serious consequences. They should be forgived and educated with an effective method instead of being pushed into a risky society at such an early age.

As the above illustrates, the punishment of forcing poor students out of school leads to a more self-disciplined environment among students. However, the detrimental ramifications seem to outweigh the benefits. Such excecution negatively affects the students and the society as a whole. It is hoped that all schools will give bad children more chances to correct their mistakes.

w_even 6 / 14 1  
Nov 1, 2012   #2
Hi,

you have a good command of grammar. your concluding paragraph is also great.
however your introduction paragraph is weak, you need to improve it.

In many schools, students are expelled for their poor behaviours. [this is near repetition of topic sentence, please paraphrase it further,, try changing the structure of this sentence ] Some people argue that this is a suitable punishment to have a better educational environment. However, it is also disagreed by many others.

In this writing, both sides will be analyzed before a conclusion is reached. [ don't just say .. show them]

you also need to provide a general statement about the topic. your essay should start from a general comment about the topic. I re-wrote below the introduction so you can get the idea.

Lack of discipline in students is not limited to a single nation or society; it is rather a global phenomenon. From various techniques employed to curb this misbehavior, permanent expulsion from school is dominantly prevalent. Even though there is good number of supporters believing the punishment an effective way to teach, there is no lack of opposition either.

--
on a different note, I am curious whether you have attempted IELTS yet. if you have can you please share what was your score in writing ? I am trying to improve my writing but I don;t think I am getting very far :(
OP hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Nov 2, 2012   #3
Thank you very much for your comment
your introduction is great
i have not tried any ielts writing test yet but i think your skill is pretty good
keep practicing everyday and do not worry ;)
jenny45 4 / 8 1  
Nov 4, 2012   #4
children should not be out of school for any reason
this sentense seems a little wired ,but i don't kown how to correct it


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