Hello everyone, I would like to express my gratitude towards nice people giving helpful comments on my first essay I post on this forum. Could you please spend little minutes assessing my essay? Thanks sincerely for your support. Have a good day and good health.
Gender segregation at schools?
Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It would be argued by some that it is better for males and females to be educated in single-gender schools. In my opinion, however, it would be more beneficial for them to enter integrated education.
On the one hand, there is an explicit reason why some people believe it is useful for students to attend separate schools. The primary cause of this notion is for fear of study distraction. Specifically, there is little chance of having early relationships with opposite-sex friends if students solely enter single-sex education. As a result, they would seriously concentrate on their studies, leading to higher academic results.
On the other hand, I would argue that boys and girls should be sent to mixed-sex schools for several clear reasons. Firstly, one of the major causes is that students from two genders have the opportunity to comprehensively develop a wide range of solf skills. To be more specific, when pupils interact and engage in group work activities, they would be honed communication, teamwork, and critical thinking skills because each gender has possessed different perspectives and potentials. Another reason is that attending mixed schools ensures co-existence and gender equality. Evidently, students will get the equal scholastic system and opportunities to enhance academic knowledge and essential skills. As a consequence, they would find it easier to get a job in a mixed-sex working environment after graduation.
In conclusion, although some people think that students should enter separate schools, I personally believe that participating in co-education schools brings more benefits for them.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,194 3644
Do not misconstrue and misunderstand the original topic presentations. There is a clear and huge difference between an opinion based on what people "think", and what you deem to be an argument. In fact, the word meaning along for both words already show how your use of the English language has LR problems. Refer to the following:
Think - to have a conscious mind, to some extent of reasoning, remembering experiences, making rational decisions, etc. ; to employ one's mind rationally and objectively in evaluating or dealing with a given situation:
Argue - to present reasons for or against a thing: to contend in oral disagreement; dispute:
In the case of this discussion topic, there is no argument being presented since the discussion gives an opinion for both sides. Your job, as the writer, is to assess the reasoning presented, and develop an opinion of your own, based on the given opinions. This is not a debate presentation, which would fall more under the "argue" description. This is an opinion presentation using thoughts and logic, hence the use of the word "think".
Your discussion is presented in an improper manner. You are not representing an understanding of the public opinion for both points of view prior to your own. Therefore, the essay is only partially correct in response. You have to give the examiner an explanation of what you understand of the 2 public opinions first, then your personal opinion second. That means, you have to use 3 reasoning paragraphs. You failed to properly discuss the two points of view as presented in the original
For ease of presentation, you may use the 2 reasoning format, since you may find that a simpler format to use:
Sentence 1: Topic sentence ( Public Opinion 1 or 2)
Sentence 2: Reason the public opinion
Sentence 3: Your opinion of the public opinion (supporting or contradicting opinion)
Sentence 4: Example to support your opinion
Sentence 5 Additional explanation based on the example or, presentation of a transition sentence into the next paragraph.
The concluding paragraph is also incorrect since you again, represent only 1 of the 2 points of view prior to your personal opinion. This is not a complete summary of the discussion and, you used a run-on presentation rather than properly formatted 3-5 sentence summary format. This is in effect, a not so well developed and formatted essay. Since this is your first try, you have room for improvement. Just remember the observations and instructions I am leaving you with in this thread for your future reference.
How about writing more the first paragraph? Even if it has the same meaning, I can see there is more possibility to elongate the number of texts. For example, "some people argue that (approving point of view), but others insist that (opposed point of view), in this essay, I would explain ... and ..."
Hi! I think you should paraphrase the question completely instead of paraphrasing only one of the statements. You can also make a longer thesis statement by mentioning some of the key points of Body Paragraph 1 and 2 with different words.
I also think Body Paragraph 1 is a bit undeveloped, compared to Body Paragraph 2. Since it's a discussion essay, you have to discuss all of the views clearly, not only the views that you support more.