school until the age of eighteen
I'm preparing for the IELTS. Now I'm writing an Ielts essay. But I'm not sure which band my essay is. Here is my essay
Topic: Everyone should stay a school until 18
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
My essay
It is true that people should remain studying at school until the age of eighteen. While it is a positive trend, students completing their studying are apt to have more chances to gain a good job, some drop-outs may turn into a successful and affluent people.
On the one hand, staying at school until eighteen can bring a great deal of benefits and pros. Firstly, it is essential that people have universal knowledge of , which can help them cope with difficult situations in their life and explain some natural phenomena. On top of that, studying at school until adulthood and little effort is synonymous with obtaining a degree which can see them through difficulty in finding a good job. Furthermore, this trend will create a more educated future generation of people which can eliminate some social and unemployment problems
On the other hand, it is this idea that brings a number of cons with it. Teachers tend to provide to-take-exams knowledge for students that can not make them feel exhilarated. The minority of students may have had a clear career orientation, so what they need is real-world knowledge is not provided at school. Some other students, may be geniuses, can complete their studying way before the age of 18. What they need is to work or to start up. And for those who wish to pursue a career that requires more practical learning, such as a qualified builder or electrician, it is unnecessary to remain at school until eighteen.
In conclusion, there are a number of pros from remaining at school until the age of eighteen, but having said that, I personally reckon that there are still some cons from this idea
Which band do you think my essay is? You can judge anything about my essay.
Thank you very much@Duong Duc Minh
While I think that you have laid out perfectly your details, I think that, in terms of technicalities, there are a few things you should be wary about.
Watch out for the forms of the words that you are using. Use appropriate/relevant preposition and punctuation at all costs because these tiny slip-ups can cause you the entirety of the essay in the long-run.
Try to not be repetitive when you are describing situations. Always ensure that you would continuously reiterate sentences that are unnecessary to your content. When you are substantiating your thoughts, try to evade lines that are just adding baggage without adding information. You should always be contributing something positive/in addition to what you already have. When you find yourself having repetitive thoughts, try to always ponder and ask yourself more questions. This is useful to develop more in-depth writing.
Let's revise a few of portions of your essay.
On the one hand, staying in school until eighteen can bring benefits. Firstly, education helps people have more knowledge about universal concepts. Once they graduate, the degree they hold will also help them into adulthood. This can help eliminate social and economic issues such as unemployment.
Notice how I had tried to remove words that are unnecessary and simply merged together thoughts and concepts that are necessary for your essay's overall content. Doing this will bring more direction to your essay.
Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck!
@Maria
Thank you very much
I still have some questions
In my essay, I say :
On the one hand, staying in school until eighteen can bring benefits and pros
I know that "pros" are "advantages. I meant" benefits and advantages "
So, is " pros" unnecessary? We can help again only if this thread is Urgent.
hi, @duong duc minh,
we usually use some nouns in pair, for example benefits and drawbacks, pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages. It would be better if you do not separate them. Also, WE just need Sth brings many benefits, no need for pros
@Brenna Vo
Thank you very much
But you know, when I search on Google, there are some articles that use the phrase "benefits and pros". This is a example
kyliehammondblog.com.au/benefits-pros-board-career/
