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Topic: Which is the most effective method to bring people to peace?


trungandhoai 7 / 20  
Aug 5, 2010   #1
Life is just like a kaleidoscope through which we see different colors. Although difference makes life variant, interesting it is the most common cause leading to contrast, argument and even enmity. Yet it is not pragmatic and most effective to put away difference in order to bring about peace but to create common goals.

Establishing mutual pursuits helps people focus more on their same purpose rather than their differences and provides such an environment, where they gradually understand others through working together. For instance, in ancient time, when two adverse countries were all faced with common enemies, they would seek for consensus for peace and fight together to protect their own countries. Some may argue that was just temporary peace, yet it gave time for two countries to work together, understand other's values, respect the other, which could provide the true, lasting peace. Nowadays, this method still proves its efficiency. For example, after the World War II, U.S.A decided to take Japan as a place for manufacturing military equipment, which served both sides' benefits. For Japan, it was good to improve its economy's plight while U.S.A took advantage of powerful and cheap weapons. This gradually ceased the hostility of Japan toward U.S.A, urged them to work together, which provided chance for culture exchange leading to lasting peace.

As the method provides promising results in war, it also does in business. In the book "Pour your heart into it" by Howard Schultz, the author describes challenges he confronted when deciding to integrate the II Giornale with the original Starbucks. First, the original Starbucks had run as local coffee shops for many years while II Giornale set up its system to be the international cooperation. Second, II Giornale was loyal to Espresso coffee and Italian decoration style when original Starbucks just only served roasted strong coffee. Last but not least, every merger always causes vast discharge from employment as it was also true to II Giornale and original Starbucks. These problems caused such skeptical attitude among the employees to Howard Schultz and coerced him to devise suitable solutions as soon as possible. Soon, Howard Schultz found out that the cause of corruption was because he and his employees had no same pursuits. Thus, he created very crucial common goal for his company: Bringing out the best coffee to the customers. This proved that Howard Schultz did not work for turnover but for the love of coffee, for the want to provide the customers the best quality just like any employees in Starbucks. This stimulated all the employees, made them feel equal and respected and soon they all decided to devote their best to the new company.

As one saying: "Much of the vitality in a friendship lies in honouring of differences, not simply in the enjoyment of similarities", thus, there will be no true peace if both sides do not appreciate other's dissimilarities. Some may think that creating mutual goals just solely concerns similarities, in fact, it greatly honors the differences. It gives us chance to work together for mutual goal, solve same difficulties, through which we will respect different points of view. Just through work do people develop their mind and just through work do we learn to understand other's difference like one saying of Confucius: "I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand." Let the same goals lead us to the true peace and provide us potent power like the oceans are only large when they occupy different sources of water to form one unite entity.

Note: Please have a look at my essay and advice me which I should or should not. I'm trying my best to improve my writing, to make it more cohesive like native's so please take my essay serious. Give it marks so that I know what I should do more.

Thank you a lot! Have a nice day ^^

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Aug 6, 2010   #2
Give it marks so that I know what I should do more.

I can give you advice, but if I give a mark I might confuse you. All marks are based on certain criteria, and any mark I gave you would be based on my own criteria, not the criteria of those who might give you a TOEFL or some other test like that.

So I will not give a mark, but I will give suggestions:

Although difference makes life variant, differences most commonly cause contrast, argument and even enmity. --- I hope I changed this sentence correctly. I think this is what you mean to say! Is it?

Yet it is not pragmatic and most effective to put away difference in order to bring about peace; instead, we should create common goals.

Establishing mutual pursuits helps people focus more on their same purpose rather than their differences and provides such opportunity for constructive argument, where they gradually understand others through working together.

For instance, in ancient times, when two adverse countries were all faced with common enemies, they would seek for consensus for peace and fight together to protect their own countries.------ good sentence!

Some may argue that was just temporary peace, yet it gave time for two countries to work together, understand other's values, and respect the other, which could provide the true, lasting peace. ----- wow, another good sentence. You are smart. Yes, we come together as friends when we have a common enemy or a common challenge to face.

As one saying: "Much of the vitality in a friendship lies in honouring of differences, not simply in the enjoyment of similarities", thus, there will be no true peace if both sides do not appreciate other's dissimilarities. ---- I am so impressed. You make mistakes, but you also have some sentences that are of very high quality. I hope you keep practicing a lot, because you have a talent for language. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Some may think that creating mutual goals just solely concerns similarities, but in fact, it greatly honors the differences. It gives us chance to work ...

Just through work do people develop their mind and just through work do we learn to understand others' differences like one saying of Confucius: "I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand." Let the same goals lead us to the true peace and provide us potent power. Like the oceans, we are only large when we accumulate much from various sources to form one united entity.

:-) nice!!!!
OP trungandhoai 7 / 20  
Aug 7, 2010   #3
Dear Kevin:
Thanks for your advice. I always appreciate your valuable comments. I'm trying to work dilligently enough to improve my writing so that it will be shorter and more cohesive. However, I wonder if you can give me any pieces of advice about my two examples discussed in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. Do I need to choose another example much more related to the topic?

Once again, I am very grateful for your help. Have a nice day :-)
triplesmickey 1 / 39  
Aug 7, 2010   #4
Two examples placed in one paragraph may result in lengthened paragraph and thus lesser-compelling writing. Try to be more coherent, precise and condensed. One of your instances, if to be judged, is too, too general to quiver in the high branch of an argumentative essay.
OP trungandhoai 7 / 20  
Aug 7, 2010   #5
Dear Trung Mickey:
So if you were me, how can you make it more persuasive? Can you give me an essay about this topic,too so that I can understand more about your advice
triplesmickey 1 / 39  
Aug 8, 2010   #6
^ I will be attending that soon, but not now, since I am butting myself into some serious schoolwork...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Aug 8, 2010   #7
Well, you explain very well, but add a conclusion sentence to paragraph 2:
This gradually ceased the hostility of Japan toward U.S.A, urged them to work together, which provided chance for culture exchange leading to lasting peace. This shows that warfare operates based on the principle of __________.

Next paragraph:
As the method provides promising results in war, it also does in business.

This sentence is a conclusion/transition:
This shows that warfare operates based on the principle of __________. ---- it connects the main idea of the paragraph with the main idea of the essay.


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