As a non-native English speaker, I would certainly have several unnoticed mistakes on the coherence / cohesion and task response elements. This could make my essay sound unnatural / disconnected, and hence greatly lower my IELTS writing score. I would appreciate if you could help me point out these mistakes in the essay, so I can write better. (FYI: I got 6.5 writing, and I'm aiming for 7 - 7.5 in writing).
Full topic name:
Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants or animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Nowadays, environmental issues are the primary concern of the world, since the future of human beings heavily depends on the environmental conditions on Earth. In my opinion, though the extinction of some species of plants and animals are highlighted, there are several other critical environmental problems to be addressed immediately.
Undeniably, the death of several animals and plants can negatively impact our human life. This is because the natural ecosystems are heavily connected in complex chains, where plants and animals co-live together. When some plants and animals are extinct, the balance in these systems would be broken, endangering other dependent species. Consequently, as the domino effect, mass extinction of many species around the world, which eradicates biodiversity, could be inevitable. Even worse, such imbalance in the ecosystems can also lead to the proliferation of new species that are harmful to human beings, which used to be suppressed by an extinct species in the past. Worldwide pandemic can be an example for the impact of such proliferation.
However, there are much more urgent and threatening environmental problems to be resolved now, noticeably the heavy pollution and climate change. First, these two problems greatly impact our quality of life. Pollution causes widespread respiratory diseases among people, whereas sudden climate change causes discomfort, irritation or even mental sufferings in our daily life. Second, such environmental problems soon endanger the Earth as a livable place to our future generation. With the current growth rate of population, humans must soon find another livable planet and move a large part of the population there, or must impose cruel methods to reduce the population.
In conclusion, there are more urgent and critical environmental issues to be addressed immediately for human survival, so the issues of plant and animal extinction should be put at the lower priority.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,692 3498
Your essay comes across as a solely general opinion presentation. You are not using the correct format for the discussion based on the discussion elements presented:
- Some people say ...
- Others say that ...
- Discuss your personal opinion
Due to the incorrect outline of your paper, you failed to use the correct GRA format for your discussion. It must contain references to "some people" and "others" prior to the "I" discussion in the presentation. You gave a general discussion that does not separate the discussion points based on public opinion as required by the prompt presentation. Properly formatting your discussion, based on the outline given in the original prompt will help improve your score. The differentiation of opinion discussions is a must as these are presented separately in the original prompt and not as a general discussion reference.
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