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Ielts topic high levels of violence in films today :D


harubim123 1 / 2  
Jul 15, 2010   #1
I'm a newbie in writing . Can guys help me to check my ielts topic below :D
Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are these problems and how could they be reduced??

Films now play an essential role in our lives. They are not only as a tool to help people reduce stress, but also as a beautiful art for people enjoyment. However, people now are influenced by many films containing more sex or violence . In addition to this, the spread of high violent films is becoming more serious than before. This essay will examine some disadvantages of these films and list some ways to deal with them.
TutorPhil - / 14  
Jul 15, 2010   #2
Azeri,

You've done an excellent job in your proofreading. You're absolutely right: shortening sentences usually makes them more powerful and elegant.

Keep up the nice work, guys.

Phil
OP harubim123 1 / 2  
Jul 16, 2010   #3
Thanks for your your job :D Azeri
jadetang 4 / 11  
Jul 16, 2010   #4
you have done a great job.
maybe your essay should include the censorship from the government on tv program.
viebboy 2 / 1  
Jul 16, 2010   #5
Films now play an essential role in our lives. They are not only as a tool to help people reduce stress, but also as a beautiful art for people enjoyment. However, people now are [are now] influenced by many films containing more sex or violence [should be pornography content] . In addition to this, the spread of high violent films is becoming more serious than [ever] before. This essay will examine some disadvantages of these films and list some ways to deal with them [should be feasible/practical solutions]

Films consist too many violent scenes which can cause different types of bad effects on this modern society [redundant]. Firstly, children who are sensitive and innocent will be affected than others. They are easily attracted by some awesome actions in films including several activities of fighting, catching, or even killing people. It is good to announce [should be undeniable] that children can learn any useful information from Television programs such as cartoons and science fiction films in order to develop their interaction skills. Nonetheless, this brings more harm than benefit. Moreover, weapons frequently appear in violent films,[should have a comma] which is also a reason why a large number of children from the early ages between eight and fifteen playing with gun or sword toys. This makes children more aggressive which then , [should have a comma] behave badly with their peers and sometimes disobey their parents. Another group o [of] people being victims of these films is teenager. After watching , Teenagers tend to make friend with bad guys and they sometimes attempt to steal [should be pillage] money by using weapons. It can be one of explanations due to a quantity of criminals who are studying at schools.

Violence in films is extremely dangerous for society. There are otherwise many good methods to prevent it. Parents first should observer [shoud be observe or be an observer of ] their children carefully and restrict them from watching these bad materials. They also need to stimulate their children to play sports or exercise more. Futhermore, Governments try to organize some moral courses which assist children and teenagers behave better and finally they need to release some suitable programs for their younger citizens.

In conclusion, there are still several arguments regarding high violence in films, but the prevention of them can be successful if old residents and government have some useful policies to stop the dreadful spread of these films.

Note :
You tend to use the word "some" too much:d
The second paragraph should be shorter - it's better to divide the 2nd paragraph into 2 paragraphs
Azeri 10 / 137  
Jul 16, 2010   #6
Thank you Philip. I'm proud of being part of this forum and trying to do my best, cause I really understand the scope of help that the essayforum provides to people.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 17, 2010   #7
Azeri, thanks for those kind words.

Nghi, how is your name pronounced? Does it rhyme with "sky?"
I'm glad you are participating here.

If you want to improve your writing, use some of the ideas provided here and post a NEW DRAFT of the essay. Then, we'll look to see if you still have mistakes. Please comment on some other people's essays, too. Thanks for joining EssayForum!
OP harubim123 1 / 2  
Jul 20, 2010   #8
Thank everybody for your all advices. :D /To Kevin :D i'm very glad to see your encouragement for me. Actually, i know my writing is not good enough to give some accurate recommendations for others . However, i think i can try my best :D


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