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Tai351 2 / 4  
Jan 1, 2021   #1

More and more people are relying on their private car as their major means of transportation.

Describe some of the problems overreliance on cars can cause, and suggest at least one possible solution.

My essay

Nowadays, car is and will continue to be a widely-used form of transportation. In my opinion, this trend can soon cause alarming problems for the environment as well as people. It is important for all individuals to take action to prevent the matters from getting worse.

To begin with, car, since it was introduced and brought into operation, has caused lots of issues for the environment. Particularly, it is the main source of air pollution and the biggest contributor to global warming. While running, cars produce a concerning amount of toxic fumes, like cacbon dioxide, and release them into the atmosphere. From times to times, the situation gradually gets more serious as these fumes accumulate, directly contributes to global warming.

Besides its impact on the environment, the steadily increasing number of cars also affects people. Traffic congestion is one of the biggest issues. For people's overreliance on cars, the rising frequency of traffic jams is inevitable, causing plenty of problems and inconveniences on people's daily life. Car accident is also a worth-mentioning matter, threatening million lives each year.

To solve the problem, both the authorities and citizens of every nation around the world need to act together. For the authorities, focusing on the development of public transportations and encouraging people to use them can somewhat contribute to improve the situation.However, the main role relies on each individual, people need to acknowledge how private vehicles are affecting this planet and how their actions can create changes.

To conclude, overreliance on private cars has caused many problems not only for the environment but also people themselves. Everyone need to be aware of the situation and take action together to solve the issue.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,132 3267  
Jan 2, 2021   #2
Your problems lie mostly in the GRA aspect of your writing. You need to learn to properly use connecting words ( ex. a, the) in relation to the singular or plural form of the subject presentation. you can clearly see this problem in your prompt restatement, where you needed to use the word "the" after "Nowadays". The plural form of the word should also be used (cars) in reference to the original prompt.

There is a lack of accuracy in your prompt restatement. You have offered an opinion, when you were not asked to do so. This changed the prompt instructions from the original as you added an action, which was not required in the presentation. The addition of an opinion has provided a prompt change which will affect your TA score negatively. You also failed to provide the 3 discussion points in the thesis portion. While you did offer a restatement of the discussion instructions, that would not have helped to increase the TA score. Providing the discussion outline shows and academic familiarity with research / opinion paper writing, which could have provided you with a better TA score.

You are redundant in your 2nd paragraph presentation. Rather than presenting the topic for discussion in that paragraph, you repeated the prompt discussion requirements again. Always start with a clear topic sentence that allows the reader to understand the discussion points to be presented instead. Redundancies do not help to increase your C&C score as these repetitions do not add to the information or value of the discussion.
tuyentruong 5 / 9 7  
Jan 2, 2021   #3
The topic requires you to 1) describe the problem of using private cars too much and 2) the solutions to address the problem. Thus, I think you should do the body of the essay in just 2 paragraphs only. Additionally, your essay also lacks relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Your solutions in the fourth paragraph are so general, you need to provide clearer and more logical solutions. For example, you wrote, "However, the main role relies on each individual, people need ..." So how can these people acknowledge the problem and realize that their actions can create changes? Also, you can add a few examples of how a simple action can make big improvements to the environment.

That's all from me. Hope your next essay will be successful.
khoadowrite 1 / 2  
Jan 3, 2021   #4
Besides good comments from Holt and tuyentruong, I would like to add in the fact that the Lexical Resource of this essay appears to be insufficient for a band 7 standard. More collocations are needed, some of which include "gridlocked traffic" or "for daily commute" (as the topic is about vehicles.)
toodii2102 6 / 12 3  
Jan 5, 2021   #5
Hi Tai! Here are some typos in your essay that you should correct:
- the car
- the matters
- carbon
- From times to times
- inconveniences on in ...
- The car accident ... millions of lives