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IELTS topic: Increase in retiring age-agree or disagree


ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Apr 26, 2012   #1
This my new essay, please help me to improve it.
Topic: Some say that because people are living much longer, the age at wich people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

In the ancient era people who aged over 40 were considered as elderly. However, as time passed, many promotions were provided in the various aspects, such as medical advancement and improvement of life standards, that made the average age of individuals longer. Some believe this phenomenon-increase the average age- must be viewed as a factor for determination of the age of retirement. They think that the age at which individuals retire should increase as the average age rises up. From my perspective, this work policy may have several negative effects on health, and other factors such as work conditions should also be considered.

Increase in the retiring age with respect to the average age of workforces may look reasonable. In fact, as the average age grows up, the years through which employees and workers can be useful on their occupations can rise up. As a result, companies and employers do not need to hire new workforces and they can use their experienced workers for a longer period of time.

However, I think, there are several other issues that must be viewed in this concern. Workload and work circumstances are the imperative elements that should be considered for detaining the age of retirement. The workers with high workloads, and those who work in the poisonous and stressful atmospheres ought to retire from work in earlier ages.

With regard to the issue concerning retiring age, mental health can also play an important role. Increase in the retiring age may negatively impact the people's mental states. In other words, all individuals require an opportunity to get rest and allocate their time for various exhilarating activities such as traveling. This work strategy causes people not being able to have chance for doing these types of activities.

Finally, increase the age of retirement can decline the job vacancies for younger adults. In fact, all the vacancies would be occupied by old workforce, and just rare opportunities would be available for youth.

In conclusion, a group of people think that the retiring age of people ought to rise due to increase in the average age of people. This policy may have several negative influences that may jeopardize the health of people and reduce the job opportunities for young individuals, even though it has some benefits for companies, employers, and other economical establishments. The stated negative aspects ought-weight its positive ones and, consequently, it should not be conducted in any country.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Apr 26, 2012   #2
Some believe this phenomenon-increase the average age- (Unnecessary to restate this topic) must be viewed...
Increasing or "to increase" in the retiring age with respect to the average age of workforces may seem reasonable. In fact, as the average age increases... Workload and work circumstances are the imperative elements that should be considered for determining the age of retirement.

Finally, increase the age of retirement can hurt employment opportunities for younger adults. In fact, all the vacancies would be occupied by old workforce, and just rare opportunities would be available for youth.

Nice work :)
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Apr 26, 2012   #3
Thank you for the concerning. The comments are really useful
Regards
Ahmad
diksu 2 / 2  
May 2, 2012   #4
Good ideas has been expressed in this essay.
lynnyang 5 / 12  
May 3, 2012   #5
Hi your essay is pretty good.!! but.. maybe ..you can include fewer points in the fourth paragraph and explain them more in detail.. that will make your essay more convincing
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
May 3, 2012   #6
Thanks Yangfan.


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