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The topic of how necessary the public areas are

janehello 1 / -  
Oct 13, 2020   #1

Large outdoor public spaces

It is important for all town and cities to have large outdoor public spaces such as squared and parks. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In this day and age, the topic of how necessary the public areas are has still remained polarized. In my opinion, although these open premises could bring a myriad of advantages for community, I side with the opinion that it is not really indispensable to build these places.

On the one hand, that towns and cities have huge squared and parks is believed to be one of the best ways to improve citizens's health and finance. First, it is undeniable that the majority of individuals have to shoulder tremendous burden of work and study, leading to their mood disoders and anxiety. Due to the appearance of parks, they can relieve their stress effectively by meeting friends and relaxing in clear atmosphere. Second, outdoor public areas are claimed to be the heart of a city as they could attract various tourists. Because of that, the shortage of city budget and employment is highly likely to be solved.

On the other hand, the towns and cities could suffer the dilemmas of situations such as environment if they intolerantly build these premises. Lack of land resources has been the main problem in the world, which makes it unable to construct squared and parks. However, in some cities, citizens destroy buildings or transgress sea to build these places to make a profit. For example, in Vinh Phuc city in Vietnam, dwellers log the trees to build a cemetery, which would affect tremendously on eco-system and people's health conditions. Therefore, it is universally acknowledged that people should not build public spaces if they do not have sufficient ability.

In conclusion, open places could help people relingquish exhaustion and gain money, but the towns and cities are not provided incentives to construct these places if it harmfully impacts on community.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,735 3072  
Oct 13, 2020   #2
You have misrepresented the original topic, which means you changed the prompt requirement. This deviation could result in points being deducted from your TA score. You are using trigger words as well instead of academic terms (polarized). There was nothing in the original prompt presentation that represented any form of polarization. Yet you referred to such a thing in your presentation. Points will be deducted for an inaccurate rephrasing of the original prompt.

The discussion approach for this essay requires you to convince the reader that you have the correct single opinion in response to this question. You should therefore, be using 2 paragraphs to prove your point. The problem, is that you did not really respond to the direct question being asked in the original prompt, which required a clear response in the paraphrased section. Your TA score will show that your response is inappropriate, resulting in additional deductions from the start of the scoring process for your essay.

Your vocabulary is awkward in this essay. The writing does not feel natural. The word "indispensable" did not feel like it belonged in the sentence that you wrote. Do not write just for the sake of increasing your LR score. If the word you use is not really appropriate for the presentation, it could even work to lower your LR score in the end.

Avoid writing run-on sentences in the conclusion. You need to write 3-5 sentences of restated information from the original topic and, reasoning discussions. Your conclusion is difficult to follow and hard to understand because you chose to use a comma, placing a pause, instead of a period, at the end of certain presented aspects. A pause does not really help the reader to gain a clarity from your writing in the same manner that a period would have.

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