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[ IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Topic: Obesity is a serious problem today

Sam an 1 / 1  
Jan 30, 2020   #1

The Health Effects of Overweight

Topic: In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing, and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. Do you agree or disagree?

While many people in poor countries are vastly underweight as a result of poverty, others are suffering from another problem - obesity, as a consequence of improved living conditions. A recent research has shown that the latter problem has become an epidemic, as obese people increase alarmingly. Personally, I believe that there are several factors responsible for this increase.

The first reason is the poor diet. Nowadays, as people face fierce competition and suffer from high pressure, they have to devote more time and energy to their work. Consequently, fast food has been gaining in popularity at an amazing rate. Although it is time-saving, fast food lacks nutritive value. Moreover, some researches reveal that consuming to much fast food will result in an excessive intake of calories, salt and sugar, which contribute much to being overweight.

There is not only a question about what we eat, but also a matter of lifestyles. TV and the internet have produced a sedentary lifestyle. In other words, those who watch TV passively or spend hours every day using computers simply do not get enough physical exercise. Besides, it is no denying that people more and more rely on private cars or motorbikes but ignoring walking and using bicycles. This tendency leads to the lack of activities which obviously linked to obesity.

In view of the seriousness of the problem, effective measures must be taken before things get worse. In the first place, a proper diet consisting of more vetgetable and fewer fatty foods may assist. In the second place, it is of great importance that people participate in different sports including swimming, running and cycling.

Petcy Chen - / 1  
Jan 30, 2020   #2
It is an informative and logical essay, I think it might be better if you can put a conclusion in the last paragraph.
OP Sam an 1 / 1  
Jan 30, 2020   #3
@Petcy Chen
Thank for your comment. I have no idea about a conclusion so I think the conclusion is the measures of the problem. Is it wrong?
Phuongbo 2 / 4 1  
Jan 30, 2020   #4
Hi!! @Sam an.
In second paragragh, I think you should have a topic sentence to announce that you're writing about reasons of overweight. You should offered more reasons ( Your second paragrah just have a reason relating to fast food ) such as : the sedentary lifestyle, the standard of living are enhanced so people consume more nutrients
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,888 2167  
Jan 31, 2020   #5
There are 2 problems points in your presentation as I see it. The introduction paraphrase and the concluding statement. Your paraphrase does not exist. Which means you will get a low TA score. Rather than paraphrasing the topic for discussion, you began the discussion at that point. You did not introduce the topic as expected. You are not to begin the discussion in the first paragraph because that is only meant for the paraphrase. With only 5 sentences maximum per paragraph, there is not enough room for you to present the paraphrase and a proper reasoning discussion right from the start.

The essay also asks you to merely agree or disagree with the presentation. Your concluding paragraph offered solutions to the problem instead, causing an open-ended essay. You were never asked to suggest solutions to the problem. Therefore, your TA score will not be under a high bracket. Why? You clearly show an inability to understand the discussion requirements so points will be deducted accordingly. The good news is that you have strong reasoning presentations in the body paragraphs. That should help increase the overall score a bit. There will still be marked deductions in the TA section though, which can heavily lower your final score.

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