TOEFL TOPIC:Parents and adult relatives should make decisions for older teenagers

TOEFL TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents and adult relatives should make important decisions for older teenage children( age 15--18)...Use specific reasons and examples.

Many people hold the opion that parents or other relative adults should make important decisions for their older teenage children, since they do not want their children to make any wrong decision or mistake during the important life stage. While, I do not agree with them at all. Because age fifteen to eighteen is such a crucial period for the teenage children to form their personality, to learn how to make decisions and take responsibily of it, as well as to develop where their talent lie. No one can make the important decisions for their life but themselves.

First, the age fiftteen to eighteen, accoding to many research, is the time for teenage children to form thier personality. They need to make their own choices and follow their own hearts. If all the decisions were made by their parents or adult relatives, we can not image where is the creative side, and where is the distinguish side. The world will be lack in innovation.

In addition, it is also the age for the older teenage children to learn to be responsible for themselves. No matter the child is a girl or a boy, most of the important decisions in thier life should be made by themselves. On one hand, children will be dependent on their parents and adult relatives' decision making and do not want to and feared to make their own decisions. How is their parents and adult relatives who made the important decisions for them pass away? How can they make their own decisions in their later life? They should have the ability to make their own decision even when they are only teenage children. On the other hand, all the decisions could be ricky, who can take responsiblity to the children if the decisions do not benefit? It is the child's own life, so, in order not to make anyone feel guilty or regret for the results, it should be the child who make the decisions in his own life.

Furthermore, parents and adult relatives should not make the important decision for the children since people are different from each other, no one knows the child better than the child himself. The child knows on which field he can be really good at, and on which field he lacks talent in. During the age I was eighteen, my parents make the decision for me to go to study Finance, but for me, Asian studies seems much more attractive and I have strong will to study on that. Since they make the decision and I did not obey their will, four years collge life on Finance make me feel really bad. And I even fell to pass two of the courses since I have no interest in them. I feel so regret for the desicion, and it takes me more time to achieve the success on Asian studies during graduate school. This is what a parents-making decision will lead us to. On most circumstances they only follow their own will to choose for you but ignore where your talent really lie.

Adimittedly, parents and adult relatives do all the things to make the children benefit the best and not to make wrong decisions. But they fail to notice that it is their own life and the life should be choosen by themselves. They are themselves and they should decide which direction to go but not follow their parents or adult relatives' guide.

Okay, Ryan, you are officially a hero. This must have taken several minutes, and I really appreciate the time you spent.

Miss1987, I want to know if you have any questions about the changes made here. I read your essay, and I read Ryan's corrected version, and it makes me wonder if you know WHY the changes were made.

In order to prepare for the TOEFL, I think you should type the whole essay in the way Ryan revised it. Type it to practice the correct English.

Then, think of at least 3 questions to ask, so I can help you understand the reasons for the corrections. For example, here is one more correction, and I'll tell you why it is necessary to make a change:


If you use 'while' this way, it cannot be the first word of a sentence. It has to be in the middle.
Some people think it is necessary for adults to make decisions for children, while other people disagree. ---when you use 'while' this way, it functions just like the word 'but.'

You CAN start sentences with the word while, but not the way you did here. I would do this:
Many people hold the opinion that parents or other relatives adults should make important decisions for their older teenage children, since they do not want their children to make any wrong decision or mistake during the important life stage. While I do not agree with them at all.

It sounds very powerful and bold if you just get rid of the word 'while.'

:-)

So, do you have any questions about Ryan's corrections?

I read Ryan's correction version, but I am sorry, I did not find any correction or change in the essay at all. I read the correction version many times yesterday but still have no idea. I'm so curious about it!

Would you please show me what changes have been made?
And what do you think of the essay? How about the score of the essay on TOEFL?(if you have any idea)
And I will pay attention to "while" next time...

Thanks Kevin!