Family and school rules for children
While an argument that children should be imposed strict regulations of parents and teachers is advocated by many mature people, the rest of society are afraid that children will not prepare adequately when they get adulthood. This essay will discuss both these points of view and indicate an own favour of the later.
On the one hands, by living under proper and strict rules, children will enhance their sense of responsibility and discipline. In other words, children tend to accommodate their behavior to surrounding, thus, only by creating appropriate household rules that can parents influnce and shape their children behaviour to the fullest growth. Moreover, because of the complexity of school, such as racism, violence, and so forth, teachers and management committee of schools should establish close regulations so that educating and impacting positively on students' characteristics. For instance of a rule that can influence effectively on children is that: "Regardless of their station, educational level, or where they are, they would treat everyone equally and respectfully".
On the other hands, if children must endure too much controlling from mature people, they will not develop comprehensively. In other words, each child will have their own forte in a certain field, such as, music, sports, art and so on, their parent and teachers, however, always create rules to demand them to get good marks and improve in the educational field without noticing about children's favourite and strong point, leading to the waste of children's gifts. Compared to children who are good at learning, children who have talent for art, music, and sports will get more pressure from their parents. By enduring too much pressures, many children got psycholigical problem such as autism and depression, resulting in an increase in suicide of children. Japan is the most noticeable example for this remarkable reality.
In my opinion, children should have a chance to develop and enhance by their ways. Therefore, matures people should not put too much rules on them.
In conclusion, the household and school regulations will be the good method to shape children's behaviors. In the contrast, I believe that parents and teachers should give children an opportunity to develop by themselves.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447
A prompt restatement is always helped by a clear opinion being presented at the end of the final thesis statement of the paragraph. In your version, you merely repeated the discussion instruction, but did not really offer a clear opinion on your end. If you recall, one of the scoring considerations of the TA section is a clear opinion coming from the writer. Since you already restated the prompt discussion topics in the first sentence, you should have delivered a clear thesis by saying something to the effect of:
Based on the reasons that support each opinion, I developed the point of view that...
The public opinion supporting the idea that...
However, others consider that.....
Due to my personal belief that... my opinion is that...
Using the above format will allow you to use the general discussion with third party pronouns effectively, while strongly supporting your personal opinion with first person pronouns as well.
By the way, "one" is singular in reference so you cannot use the plural word "hands". Your reasoning paragraphs are not very well explained. There is a confusion as to the statement you are making based on sentence structural issues and proper, clear, and understandable explanations. Focus less on the vocabulary and more on the reasons per paragraph. You can give all the opinions you want per paragraph, if you do not explain the reasoning behind the opinion, then nothing will come of your statement. Consider using the following format next time:
Sentence 1: Topic sentence (combining the opinion for teachers and parents or the opposing argument
Sentence 2: Explanation for teachers
Sentence 3: Explanation for parents
Sentence 4: Example to support your explanations
Sentence 5: Transition sentence
The above format will work for either reasoning paragraph presentation. Remember, clarity is more important that word count. As long as you write at least 275 words, you will be sure that you have written an understandable paragraph per presentation. Your opinion must be developed as a full paragraph with the same format as I presented above. In this presentation, you did not explain your opinion fully, which means there will be point deductions for under developed paragraph presentations.