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Toefl Topic -- "A person you know is coming to your town"


zhigoolet 2 / 3  
Sep 19, 2009   #1
I believe that there are things in my town that my friend would definitely love them. He may like the peace. The beauty of the city would catch his attention as well. On the other hand, as this friend of mine is coming from a big city, he would easily get bored when he wants to have a walk in the city.

Unfortunately, this town is a little boring. The area of my hometown is not so much. You can get around in the city easily with your bike, and it wouldn't take you so much time. More or less, everywhere is accessible in 30 minutes. My town is dead at nights as well. All shops close on 8pm. You can't see anybody walking in the streets after 10pm. This may cause boredom.

On the other hand, this town is a really convenient place to live. The traffic is less than big cities like one he is coming from. You don't have to waste your time being stuck in traffic jams for several hours. In other words, there is no traffic at all. Besides, there is nothing called noise pollution. In fact, this place is calm and peaceful indeed. This may be far from what he has seen in big cities where he has lived before.

The place I live is famous for its beauty. There are several breathtaking sceneries here, and is different from urban surroundings for sure. The weather is also pleasant. The climate is highly diverse and can be far from torrential rain in spring to heavy snow in winter. He may be shocked when he sees unbroken sunshine in summer next to light wind in autumn.

Of course, the city where he will come from is much more interesting than my hometown to some extents. He would always find new things in his city. However, the place where I live in would attract him. This town is really tranquil and peaceful. Besides, my hometown has several beautiful sceneries. In one word, I guess he is going to like his new place.

shirleytse 5 / 17  
Sep 19, 2009   #2
I believe that there are things(maybe you can use a different word) in my town that my friend would definitely love them . He would probably appreciate the peaceful aura as well as its beauty.may like the peace. The beauty of the city would catch his attention as well.On the other hand, being a city boy, it would take a while for him to get used to not driving from place to place. (not sure what you want to say here)as this friend of mine is coming from a big city, he would easily get bored when he wants to have a walk in the city.

Unfortunately, this town is a little boring.Unfortunately, to some, my town may seem slightly unappealing.The area of my hometown is not so much.Being a small town, you could pretty much get anywhere with a bike. The night life wasn't so great either. By 8pm, all shops were closed and by 10, the whole town was dead; not a single person on the street.You can get around in the city easily with your bike, and it wouldn't take you so much time. More or less, everywhere is accessible in 30 minutes. My town is dead at nights as well. All shops close on 8pm. You can't see anybody walking in the streets after 10pm. This may cause boredom.

On the other hand, this town is a really convenient place to live. The traffic is less than big cities like one he is coming from. You don't have to waste your time being stuck in traffic jams for several hours. In other words, there is no traffic at all. Getting stuck in traffic was unheard of here. For those who cannot stand this aspect of city life, my town would be heaven. Plus, there is no such thing as noise pollution. In fact, this area is extremely calming and serene. This may be far from what he has seen in big cities where he has lived before.This may be a break from all the city noise and the fast paced lives of those around him.

The place I live is famous for its beauty. There are several breathtaking sceneries here, and is different from urban surroundings for sure. The weather is also pleasant. The climate is highly diverse and can be far from torrential rain in spring to heavy snow in winter. He may be shocked to see unbroken sunshine in summer next to light wind in autumn.

Of course, the city where he will come from is much more interesting than my hometown to some extents. He would always find new things in his city. However, the place where I live in would attract him. This town is really tranquil and peaceful. Besides, my hometown has several beautiful sceneries. In one word, I guess he is going to like his new place.Of course the city where he comes from will be much more interesting compared to my hometown to some extents. For one thing, he can always find new things in his city. However, that can get a little boring. A change in the environment might serve as a pleasant change. With the diverse climates, he would be able to enjoy climates from all parts of the world in one place. Even though my town can get a little boring, I'm sure my friend would enjoy himself here.

Not really sure what your topic is but your sentences are seriously fragmented. Above are some suggested changes.
OP zhigoolet 2 / 3  
Sep 19, 2009   #3
Thanks for your suggestions.
I am sure that your sentences sound more native than mine, but look at the essay, you corrected almost every sentences.
I think it is more helping if you evaluate my essay in my own words.
Although I learned a lot from your review, but I lost my confidence totally.

your suggested essay implies that only 3 to 5 of my sentences sound good. But I am not sure this is true.

Again, Your correction is really appreciated, but you know, I didn't want to change my essay to a perfect one. I just wanted to know which of my sentences were wrong .
shirleytse 5 / 17  
Sep 19, 2009   #4
I don't really know what you mean by wrong. Is it grammatically wrong, yes most of it. And you posted this under undergraduate essays so I'm assuming its for college. And I don't think colleges would want anything less than your best. These revisions are what I thought you should revise your sentences to. It's what I thought, but it doesn't mean you have to change it. That's why I only crossed it out and not completely erased it. A lot of your sentences are repetitive. You say that the town is boring quite a lot, so I thought if you used different words it would sound better.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 19, 2009   #5
You're not doing too badly for a TOEFL essay. You should reorder either your paragraphs or your introduction, however, so that they match. At the moment, you talk about the points you mention in your introduction in the reverse of the order in which they appear, which makes the essay seem less coherent.


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