Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

IELTS Topic. women's role in modern society


y0_3mma 19 / 28 6  
Dec 2, 2012   #1
Hi guys! I've started writing essays again and it is so so difficult.
Please note that none of the information below is 100% true! It is a combination between my beliefs and what I'v heard, just to go over the 250word limit. So don't take it persoal.

Due to the change of women's role in modern society, men are now the ones suffering from sexual discrimination. Do u agree?

Women have always been mistreated and seen as inferior, when compared to men's physical strength and ways of thinking. But with the development of industry, the role of women in modern society has significantly changed after the First World War. However, I do not believe that men are now the ones who suffer from sexual discrimination. 56

To begin with, in Arabic countries the law is extremely strict when it comes to females' choices and rights. In the Orient, religion has always played a crucial role in people's life, determining their lifestyle and most of their character. Consequently, the law in Arabic countries was also influenced by Coran. For instance, women are forbidden to unravel their faces or their body parts by wearing short skirts or see-through blouses. What is more, in some conservative regions they have no right to study and they are kept home to cook and raise their children. 94

Despite women's emancipation, there will always be a shadow of doubt when hiring a female. A recent study carried out by the University of London revealed that 70% of the big companies are still more likely to accept a man, just because he is a man, rather than a more experienced and competent woman. This reliable research proves that people's way of thinking cannot be changed over night, diminishing women's chances of success in their careers. 75

These being considered, even if the women's role in modern society has changed, enabling/allowing them to study and work, it seems to me that men still have more benefits and freedom in both their social and professional life. 38/total: 263

uhsikahtap 2 / 5 1  
Dec 2, 2012   #2
y0_3mma
it's a nice essay!! I like the topic and enjoyed reading it. There are however a few small things you may want to fix:

Coran is a very uncommon spelling of "Koran" so it might be better to use that. Also you should choose one of either "enabling" or "allowing", I think allowing is more direct.

You bring up some nice points though, great job!
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Dec 2, 2012   #3
y0_3mma
Your introduction follows the right structure for this task. It's well presented !

To begin with, in Arabic countries the law is extremely strict when it comes to females' choices and rights. In the Orient, religion has always played a crucial role in people's life, determining their lifestyle and most of their character. Consequently, the law in Arabic countries was also influenced by Coran. For instance, women are forbidden to unravel their faces or their body parts by wearing short skirts or see-through blouses. What is more, in some conservative regions they have no right to study and they are kept home to cook and raise their children.

I find this body para is not aligned with what your prompt asks... You need to give reasons to reject the claim that men suffer by letting women play a prominent role... What you have written here is about how women in certain parts are discriminated. This deviates from the prompt. : (

You have good writing skills and excellent vocabulary.... Try to follow the required structure and always keep your writing to go with the prompt!
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Dec 2, 2012   #4
You are a very good writer and your essay has a nice flow.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.

But with the development of industry, the role of women in modern society has significantly changed after the First World War.

I think it would be a good idea to state how the development of industry changed the role of women because I can't find a direct connection between them.

The industrial revolution brought about a change in the role of women.

I think it's spelled Quran. I'm not sure because I'm not a Muslim but I am somewhat familiar with the religion.

You have written a good essay, but I fear that you have not justified what is required. You have twice said that man is not sexually discriminated (to which I agree...) but have not presented anything to back it up. Instead you have focused on saying how women are still mistreated because they are women. I think you should present an argument saying why man is not sexually discriminated.
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 2, 2012   #5
hai...

I feel you should read the question once more...

The question is men discreminated or not..(Nice topic)

The first para is totally about arab musilm,as i am working in K.S.A i know the depth of the reality..

I think it is off topic..

Dumi already told it...

Second para...

also not justificable..

Collect some ideas...
Here are some in support...(agree)
Now
:female employment reservations
:Maternity leave and other leaves increase work load of men
:Leave preference also : female..
:Top posts are given to women nowadays..they post more females.
:Females shown their presence in all fields, before not: example Army..
:high income of female employment in some fields eg: nursing, male now depending on females (some times)..

You can write good essays...
Rewrite if possible...
Sorry, if it disappointed you...

Take it as a challenge...
All the best..

Tessy


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic. women's role in modern society